Thunderbear 290

Perhaps it is the weather; perhaps it is the lifestyle. Perhaps it is the uncertainty; Southern California always seems poised between burning up or sliding away; I am told that the Devil thrives on uncertainty.

At any rate, the NPS folks over at Mohave Desert National Preserve are questioned not on the obvious uncertainties, that is, whether there will be a good desert wild flower bloom this year or whether the desert tortoises will increase in number. No, the NPS is questioned on whether they are on God's Side or the Devil's.

It seems that a veteran's group or some interested party erected a cross on public land in the Mohave Desert to commemorate the US casualties in World War I. The land in question later became part of Mohave Desert Preserve.

Now in truth, while Mohave Desert Preserve is a magnificent natural area, it is also full of human stuff, mostly artifacts of our trying to get rich or just survive; mining stuff mostly, as well as artifacts from Natives Americans and World War II desert training, -- and of course, the Cross.

Now no one ever claimed the Mohave Cross was a work of art. As I recall, it was just some pieces of metal welded together to form a cross and cemented into some desert rocks alon side a seldom-traveled dirt road.

Someone brought up the Constitutional point about Separation of Church and State and thus no religious symbols on public land. The NPS took the Mohave Cross down and someone else put it back up. Congress and the Tea Party types got involved with claims that the NPS was in cahoots with Satan and driving us to irreligion and damnation.

Now the NPS hates this kind of publicity like the Devil hates Holy Water. The Park Service issued almost daily press releases stating their love for everyone's belief and the US Constitution and, please, just ask us questions about wild flower blooms and desert tortoises and help make this Cross controversy go away

It seems that the NPS does not realize what a tourist magnet they have in their controversial cross.

Not so the enterprising city of Santa Monica, California. It seems that since 1953, the City of Santa Monica has allowed life sized Christian Nativity Scenes in city owned Palisades Park right there in front of God and the ACLU.

Now neighbors, in these politically correct times, the Manger Scene, the Replica of the Ten Commandments, and of course, The Cross have long been banished from court house lawns even in the Deep South, after one basilisk glare from Americans United for the Separation of Church and State or some other such outfit.

"Not if we make it an equal opportunity Nativity Scene. We'll invite the Atheists to do their interpretation of the Nativity Scene!" said the Santa Monica City Council cheerfully.

The way Santa Monica Nativity Scene works is that there are 23 designated sites in Palisades Park in which churches or other interested groups can construct a diorama relating to the birth of Christ. These are boxes about 8 feet tall, maybe 12 feet long, about 3 feet deep. They are fronted with woven wire to prevent vandalism.

The Santa Monica City Council held a lottery to see who would get the sites. The United Atheists of America won 18 of the 23 sites. (Technically, the lottery was open to all religions or irrelgions, but the Jews preferred not to play, the Muslims were forbidden by their religion from making images, and apparently, the Zoroastrians thought it would be playing with fire.)

So it would be mano y mano between the Christians and the Atheists, with the Christians heavily outnumbered.

It was a stroke of public relations genius on the part of the Santa Monica Tourist Board and the City Council. Not since the famed "Scopes Monkey Trial" of 1925 in Dayton, Tennessee, has a town been able to create religious controversy and use it to attract tourists.

The local newspapers, including the LOS ANGELES TIMES, ate it up. Eventually, the American "Newspaper of Record" THE NEW YORK TIMES did a story on the Santa Monica Nativity Scene. Tourists began to stream in.

Naturally, it was only a matter of time before THUNDERBEAR sent its ace reporter, The Christian Bureaucrat, Your Most Obedient Servant, down to Santa Monica to see what was going on.

Palisades Park is a pretty little strip park, about 100 feet wide, and several miles long, flanked on one side by a steep cliff and the Pacific Ocean and by Ocean Avenue on the other It is lined with stately palm trees and lightly carpeted with the fallen bodies of the Sweet Wine Militia who had lost their nightly battle with their chemical demons.

"Why does Santa Monica have so many homeless?" asked my wife as she surveyed the fallen.

"Would you rather be drunk and homeless in North Dakota or Southern California in December?" I inquired. "Homelessness is a warm weather sport". Poor old Southern California gets to pick up the psychological pieces of folks damaged in other states, making it the Asylum of Last Resort for many of the nation's walking wounded. No wonder the state is nearly broke.

The Christian Nativity Scenes were obviously done by a church with a very limited budget. The figures were modern day department store mannequins dressed up in bible clothes. The tableaus depicting The Annunciation (That's where the Archangel Gabriel tells Mary she is pregnant with, well, God) was particularly disconcerting. As noted, these were department store mannequins and Mary had fire engine red lipstick and fingernail polish to match. Gabriel had a salesman's haircut and smile and wings much too small to get him off the ground. He looked like he was selling Mary a sub prime mortgage deal rather than pregnancy.

They were surprisingly bad. The Atheist exhibits were humorless and mean spirited, exhibiting none of the wit and grace of such unbelievers as the recently late Christopher Hitchings or the more distant Colonel Ralph Ingersoll.

Oddly, for rationalists, the exhibits were mainly an appeal to Authority; alleged quotations from the Founding Fathers, illustrating their suspicion of, or lack of religion.

Are any of these quotes legitimate? Well neighbors, that's for you to find out and tell us in issue # 291 of THUNDERBEAR. As no citations are provided, they are automatically suspect. It has long been the custom to put words in dead men's mouths. As Abe Lincoln is famous for what he didn't say, the Lincoln quote is particularly suspect.

As noted, it is curious that the argument of the United Atheists is an appeal to Authority rather than to Reason (Christopher Hitchings would smite his Co-Nonbelievers with withering British scorn!) The United Atheists seem to be telling us that The Founding Fathers were the Last Word on everything and we gotta believe as they say.

This is not too far from statements that begin "The Dear Leader exhorts us to..." or "Comrade Lenin reminds us that..." or, "The Bible tells us that..."

Now it is entirely possible that the United Atheists had a subtle hidden agenda. Atheists tend to be leftist (Hitchings was an exception, being a staunch Republican). Being leftist, they may have been mocking, not so much the Christians, but rather the Tea Party fanatics who regard the Founding Fathers and their every word as sacred and assume that the Founders were bible thumpers like themselves.

Actually, the Founding Fathers were revolutionaries and revolutionaries tend to be disagreeable and say disagreeable things; that being sort of the job description of the trade.

For next year's event, we suggest that the Christians put sectarian differences aside and get behind the Nativity Scene Varsity Squad that is the Roman Catholic Church; those folks really know how to do a Nativity Scene! As for the Atheists, they need to brush up on their Hitchings and Ingersoll, and acquire a sense of humor.

Well, I don't rightly know, neighbors; I'll ask the Great Bear the next time I see him.

A NEW NATIONAL WHATEVER

That old joke sort of sums up the limitations and restrictions that local folks want to impose on the National Park Service when they talk about "gifting" that reluctant agency with a new National Park with more strings attached than a kite festival.

The latest of these park proposals is something called "High Allegheny National Park" that would set aside about 700,304 acres in the mountains of chronically impoverished West Virginia as part of the National Park System. It seems that some of the folks in West Virginia are considerably sharper than their counterparts in Maine when it comes to realizing that the NPS brand name is a real cash cow.

Your editor has hiked quite a bit of the proposed park. It is quietly beautiful Appalachian mountain scenery; no one geoform particularly stands out, except maybe Seneca Rocks. Unlike the West, where you can make a spectacular impression with just one item like Devils Tower, or Mount Rainier, or Crater Lake, it takes thousands of square miles of the Appalachians to do them justice.

This is not to denigrate the beauty of the Appalachians; it is simply that they must be observed as a whole. To do justice to the Appalachians, a proposed park should be bigger than Yellowstone, maybe as big as New York's Adirondack State Park.

Now back to the strings that the West Virginia folks would like attached to their proposed park.

You see, the National Park Service has a lot of tiresome, troublesome regulations about Preservation, Nature, The Environment and the rest of that touchy-feely stuff that undeniably has been a tourist dollar magnet for any state lucky enough to have one of these federal money spinners within its border, but that crimps the everyday style of the locals.

For example, West Virginians like to hunt. As football is a religion in Texas, so too is hunting sacred in West Virginia. So too are guns, and West Virginians love to carry them around in the woods even in off season on the odd chance they might encounter a "varmint" (definitions vary).

While there are some 69 NPS "Preserves" and Recreation Areas, where, under regulation, you can hunt, that activity is generally not permitted in areas designated as National Parks.

The West Virginians would like a hunting exception to be made for their proposed National Park, that is, the "Preserve" part of Allegheny Highlands Park would be much larger than the "Park" part; something of a first for NPS management; sort of the tail wagging the dog.

The West Virginians also like to utilize the bounty of God's Nature by harvesting forest products such as wild ginseng and "ramps." The latter is a form of wild leek, that tastes and smells like a very pungent mixture of garlic and onion; an acquired taste, but one beloved by rural West Virginians.

While "Ramps" are harvested for home or local consumption, ginseng is harvested for the Asian market of Concerned Old Men with Problems in Hydrology. (Fortunately, for the survival of Rhinos, Tigers, and Ginseng, Viagra seems to making inroads in age-old superstitions.)

The NPS is agnostic on the subject of "ramps", but will toss you in jail if you try to commercially harvest ginseng in Great Smoky Mountains, Shenandoah, or other Appalachian units of the National Parks.

The rural West Virginians also like to trap and would insist that trapping be allowed at least in the Preserve portion of the proposed National Park. (Animal lovers are amazed and angered that trapping is allowed in ANY unit of the National Parks, but certain "Recreation" areas allow this rather cruel and archaic pastime as a sop to local sentiment in gaining Congressional approval for the unit).

The reader will have noticed, "The Friends of High Allegheny National Park" have imposed about as many Multiple Use Requirements on the proposed park as our legendary Yankee horse buyer.

Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) has asked the NPS to do a "Reconnaissance Study" on whether the area proposed by The Friends of The High Allegheny National Park has potential as a National Park.

Senator Manchin chooses his words carefully and backpedals like an unicyclist: Although he grants that "The role that a national park designation plays in tourism is hard to overstate ", the Senator hastens to add that he " would never support turning any West Virginia hunting land into National Parks if that would restrict the rights of hunters."

Reassuringly, Senator Manchin adds, "Congress has the authority to authorize hunting, fishing, and continued land use [Coal mining? Logging? Ed.]..."With these protections in mind, a new designation could be a win-win situation."

(The National Park Service is also glumly aware that a small but robust coterie of rural West Virginians will pursue such historic "multiple use" activities, such as growing marijuana, cooking meth and making moonshine in the proposed High Allegheny National Park) The NPS will do its considerable best to suppress such activities, but the law enforcement price tag in stressed economic times is going to be huge.)

Understandably, there are those who can see why the National Park Service might be excused from the honor of this particular park proposal.

Strangely enough, nobody seems to have consulted the 800-pound gorilla in the room that has yet to drop the first shoe. That would be the U.S. Forest Service.

The Friends of High Allegheny National Park brightly state that there would be little cost as the park would be" created from existing public lands." That would be Monongahela National Forest, Smoky Bear, Proprietor.

That would be a High Allegheny National Monument administered by the US Forest Service.

There are some 101 national monuments. Most of them, around 76, are owned and operated by the National Park Service. (We say "around" because 3 are co-managed with the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) or the Fish & Wildlife Service. (FWS)

The BLM has 16 national monuments including 3 co-managed with either the US Forest Service (USFS) or the NPS.

The Defense Department has one monument, the Armed Forces Retirement Home in DC, which has a number of historic buildings. The National Oceanic and Aeronautics Administration (NOAA) co-manages one national monument, the monumentally named Papahanaumokuae Marine National Monument with the FWS.

So why doesn't Congress have the National Park Service manages all national monuments?

Well, just as the Supreme Court and Mitt Romney famously observed that "Corporations are People", it must be pointed out the government agencies are also people and, like people, their feelings get hurt. The National Park Service always gets voted America's favorite federal agency and the other land management agencies feel that the NPS arrogantly cherry picks and high grades their prime scenic real estate for inclusion into the National Park System, the prom queen of the land management agencies.

The Forest Service is sort of like the hard working, but Plain Jane high school girl, who is a member of every school club from choral to chess, but who cannot get herself elected to Homecoming Queen, Prom Queen, or Class President, roles that always fall to the National Park Service.

One day the angry Forest Service accosts the National Park Service and demands "I'M BETTER THAN YOU! WHY AIN'T I AS POPULAR?"

The National Park Service tosses her cheerleader ponytail, smiles condescendingly, and says "Because I am perceived as being Virginal, while you are, let's face it, Multiple Use!"

Now "Multiple Use" (Or "Multiple Abuse", according to detractors) has always been one of the chief selling points of the USFS; you could "use" the "resources" as well as look at them.

Thus, the lands of "High Allegheny Whatever" would have been logged two and three times before being included in the Preserve. There is very little Old Growth timber left (The term "virgin forest" is no longer politically correct, neighbors).

This would not be an insurmountable deal breaker for the NPS. After all, Shenandoah National Park is largely recycled farm and cut over timberland, and 700,000 acres would be mighty tempting for NPS empire builders.

The proposed park would be larger than Great Smoky Mountain National Park (521,086 acres) or Shenandoah National Park (196,466 acres). It would be large even by Western standards. It would be larger than Mount Rainier NP (235,635 aces) and comparable in size to Yosemite (761,268 acres.).

The problem is, would the game be worth the candle? The proposed operating instructions for the proposed park seem to have more exceptions and compromises than a Hollywood Prenuptial agreement. Would the NPS be willing to compromise its standards for national parks for such a Swiss cheese unit?

The US Forest Service on the other hand is past master at Multiple Use (Overly so, according to their critics) Hunting would continue, no question about that; mining would be forbidden. Logging would be placed on a 100 or even 200-year cycle. Wilderness, something that the USFS pioneered, could be expanded to include much of the Monument. The Forest Service would gain what they have long wanted; a national monument near the Eastern population center, and Senator Manchin and The Friends would get their large dark green or pink spot on road maps, and the NPS would be off the hook. A win-win situation.

ANAL APERTURE

This is sort of what happened when a Western park superintendent referred to the Honorable Gentleman from Washington, Congressman "Doc" Hastings (R-WA), as an "Anal Aperture" (or words to that effect) in a private e-mail that went astray, landing in my electronic in-box and, presumably others that were unintended.

Congressman Richard "Doc" Hastings is Chairman of the House Committee on Natural Resources, and living proof of Nelson Algren's famous quote "Never eat at a restaurant named "Mom's" and never trust a guy nicknamed "Doc."

Well now, that's a philosophical question that is difficult to address in a Christian Environmental Newsletter, but we shall try.

The short answer is that he is no more and no less an Anal Aperture than your average Environmentally challenged Western Republican Congressman.

Yes, but why did the park superintendent become upset with this particular Congressman? After all, park superintendents are a bit like Grizzly Bears, tending to quietly mind their own business unless provoked. What lit the superintendent's fuse?

It seems that "Doc" Hastings is pushing a bill, HR-1505, known as "The National Security and Federal Land Protection Act" (As the semanticist G. Gordon Liddy once observed "If you have to call something "The Patriot Act", it probably isn't very patriotic.") In spite of the Orwellian wording, one doubts if the nation will be more secure or federal land will be more protected under HR-1505.

HR-1505 would strip land management agencies such as the National Park Service, Fish and Wildlife Service, US Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management of the right to manage lands within 100 miles of the border, giving the Department of Homeland Security and the Border Patrol the last word in how these lands were to be managed.

In addition, the Department of Homeland Security could build roads, fences, and building and ignore the provisions of the Wilderness Act and any other environmental acts that they might find inconvenient.

As the superintendent's park butts up against an international border, most of the park would be out of the superintendent's control and subject to bureaucratic vandalism.

The superintendent could thus be forgiven for calling Doc Hastings an Anal Aperture in a private note.

Now the interesting thing is that neither the Department of Homeland Security nor its subsidiary, the US Border Patrol has asked for such sweeping powers as outlined in HR-1505. Indeed, one environmentally well educated Border Patrol supervisor said, "There are reasons that certain areas are protected and off limits to vehicles." The Department of Homeland Security feels it can do its job without the added expense of HR-1505. Why did Hastings propose such a stupid bill?

Second of all, in order to get one Doc Hastings, you have to have thousands of junior Doc Hastings to vote for him. That is the bad news.

It means that there are thousands of people who seriously believe that there are blue helmeted UN troops bivouacked in the back country of North Cascades National Park or Glacier National Park, or somehow, some day, there MIGHT be!

There must be something going on in that wilderness, it's mighty mysterious; spooky even!

It's an interesting story, our push-pull, love-fear relationship with Wildness. Conservatives worry about too much wildness. The news story that a wild wolf had entered California for the first time since 1924 alarmed Republicans out of all proportion to the amount of damage the beast could do.

Rebels of both the Right and the Left fantasize about "Goin' off up in the mountains" in the event "They" take over. (Who "They" are depends on whether you are a right wing or left wing nut case.) Both Edward Abbey and his opposite number, The Aryan Nation advocated stockpiling guns and ammunition in some convenient wilderness.

Would it be possible, as Abbey suggested in a number of novels, for a determined and skilled rebel, and perhaps a few devoted followers, to eke out a Robin Hood existence in some wilderness area?

The answer seems to be "No." History appears to be against the project. (We are sure that Doc Hastings and his constituents will be reassured!)

Mainly because a man in the Wilderness is an anomaly and anomalies get noticed. Few people see you, but those few always take notice --- and tell someone.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid are the classic example. One would think that the vast canyon lands of the Southwest could shelter a band of merry train and band robbers forever. However, after some initial successes, The Wild Bunch found that the vast Canyon lands were not vast enough, causing them to take their program to Bolivia, where they stuck out and were eventually killed.

Albert Johnson, "The Mad trapper of Rat River" gave the Royal Canadian Mounted Police a workout chasing him through the Yukon and Northwest Territories wilderness back in the 1930's, but the locals noticed him and provided the RCMP with the information needed to track him down.

Wyoming's "Mountain man" Earl Durand, terrorized Northwest Wyoming for eleven days before he was killed in 1939.

More recently, we have the case of the alleged wilderness survivalist Osama Bin Laden, who was supposed to be camping out in the virtually unexplored Karakoram Range of Northern Pakistan, always one horse gallop ahead of the CIA. Turns out he was living in a spacious two story house just down the road from Pakistani Army headquarters (The Pakistanis were shocked, shocked to find this out!)

Fans of Edward Abbey speculated as to where, exactly be Cactus Ed's mysterious "Wolf Hole, Arizona". Some believed it was a cabin in the remote Arizona strip north of Grand Canyon. Prosaically, "Wolf Hole" was a small house on the outskirts of Tucson, Arizona. Turns out that even wilderness enthusiasts like a shower now and then.

So, if wilderness is a tough road for terrorists, how do they get into the country? Well, Doc Hastings apparently didn't ask the Department of Homeland Security, but according to that agency, they seem to enter the country the way you and I do, through airports, with valid visas and passports-or they are self-activating home grown nut cases, like "Jihad Jane" or the shooter down in Fort Hood.

Mushing a dog team across the frozen terrain of Voyageurs National Park does not seem to be a viable entry point for terrorists, but don't tell Doc Hastings; he'll think you're in cahoots with the blue helmeted UN troops.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

Yup! Not even putting out forest fires, or catching speeders, or preventing marijuana cultivation or rescuing injured mountain climbers, not even finding lost children is more important. No, the most important thing is explaining to taxpayers why that dark green or pink square on their road map is so important that Congress set it aside as a unit of America's storied National Parks.

Does the NPS act like it's the most important thing it does? Well, sort of, sometimes.

True, the taxpayer (I refuse to use that condescending term, "visitor" is directed to the park Orientation Center rather than to the Fire Cache or the park law enforcement office. At the OC, he/she is exposed to a more or less up to date and fail safe museum exhibit of the reason for the park's existence, vetted for accuracy by the Harpers Ferry Center; to back up that experience, there is a short film on the subject of the park (and it must be said, this sub genre of documentary films, the Park Introductory Film, has been getting better and better; thank you, Harpers Ferry!)

Then, finally, there is the park interpretive staff member(s) behind the desk: Good ol' Ranger Rick in the familiar Green & Gray with trademark Stetson at hand?

Actually, no. It is much more likely to be Volunteer Vicki in the increasingly familiar Tan & Brown of the "Volunteers in the Parks."

In some parks, the VIP is the only uniformed person the taxpayer will encounter (Unless he/she speeds, becomes lost or injured, or tried to smoke or grow dope.)

Now it is difficult to criticize individual volunteers. They are, after all, working for nothing." We couldn't run the park without 'em," says the reasonably well-paid park superintendent. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case in many parks; they are running the Park Experience.

The problem is that, unless you are of a sadistic turn of mind, you really don't want to embarrass the volunteer by asking too hard a question, even questions that the person should be able to answer. This leads to a certain level of mediocrity in the park experience.

Generally, you test the waters with a fairly simple question, usually the Old Reliable, "Where's the rest room?" (This question can be of great interest to the aging male taxpayer, and is pertinent because restroom locations, like snowflakes, are never the same.)

After the rest room icebreaker and a discussion of the weather, you can proceed to "What's the best trail/thing to see?"

You select the trail upon advice or your own instinct. While having your "park experience", you encounter a tree, bird, or flower that is foreign to you. You are now faced with a moral dilemma. Do you describe the tree, bird, or flower to the VIP, ask for an identification and risk embarrassing him/her, or do you wait for the appearance of a ranger in the familiar Gray and Green? (With today's budgetary constraints it might be a long wait).

Now your kindly editor is aware that the ranger may not know the answer, but you have a bit of leverage here, as he/she is paid to know the answers to routine events (We are talking flower blooming, not the Second Coming of Christ) and you can nudge the ranger into finding out with only a whiff of the dread "Congressional". You see, in addition to his admittedly modest take home pay; our ranger is probably considering a permanent career with the NPS.

The VIP, on the other hand, is a Free Spirit! Not even Edward Abbey in his prime could afford such a "Take This Job and Shove it!!" attitude that is possible with a Volunteer In The Parks Job. He/She can be as nasty and/or ignorant as they please and the taxpayer has very little recourse.

Your editor recalls inquiring of a VIP at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park as to how close you could venture in a boat to the molten lava entering the sea. The VIP replied sarcastically "That was a dumb question: if I knew anything about boat engines, I would know that the boiling sea water would overheat the engines. (The correct answer is "As close as stupidity and greed will warrant: Commercial lava tour operators will bring the bows of their boats close enough to the molten lava to scorch the Fiberglas." Needless to say, the NPS does not endorse these tours.)

On a visit to the Fish & Wildlife's Offeekenofee Swamp, the F & W equivalent of a VIP told the group that we were looking at "Pristine nature" on the banks of one canal. It was certainly wild nature and certainly growing in luxuriant profusion, but God's Garden wasn't growing exactly as He had planted it, as the dominant streamside vegetation seemed to be Chinaberry trees (which as the common name indicates, is an Asian exotic and a particularly invasive one at that)

When your editor pointed this out, our volunteer guide didn't miss a beat, declaring that the Chinaberry trees had been introduced to Northern Florida by wandering Chinese Buddhist monks about a thousand years ago. He had read that in a book.

That shut me up right and proper, and since no one else objected to being misinformed, who was I to complain? Besides, he was donating his time!

Now neighbors, I realize these are extreme examples, and though true, do not represent the situation at your park or at any park you have visited. The VIP's you have observed were obviously well vetted and carefully trained and supervised, equaling or surpassing paid interpretive personnel (Except of course, yourself).

One park recently honored their more than 1,000 VIP's who had contributed some 90,000 hours, the equivalency of 46 full time positions during the year 2010.

This is heartwarming, unless you are a recent graduate or veteran trying to obtain one of those apocryphal 46 jobs.

Now your editor realizes he is not bang entirely fair; the 46 jobs would probably not exist even in a Bill McKibben dream world. While very valuable, the contributed hours were often on one-shot projects that ceased to exist after completion, such as a pulling exotic weeds or curating a large addition to the park collection.

One NPS Interpretive Chief proudly told your editor "A prospective candidate for an interpretive ranger position had to "Intern" one full season as a VIP before they could be "evaluated and considered" for paid employment.

Now neighbors, I had thought that due to the successes of General Grant and the Army of the Potomac, we no longer had people working for nothing; the 14th Amendment and all that.

Silly me! According to Ross Perlin, whose book "Intern Nation: How to Earn Nothing and Learn Little in the Brave New Economy " addresses the issue, our corporations have managed to repackage indentured servitude under the rubric of "internship" in which routine clerical or grunt work is offered as "experience" for one's "resume" and a chimerical job said to exist somewhere

Now I am not sure that is quite legal for the NPS, there being some sort of regulation against offering any sort of remuneration in exchange for a federal job. I'll have to ask PEER about that.

Indeed, your kindly old editor is one of those historical relics that researchers love to interview, as I was present at the creation of the VIP program.

The VIP concept was so new and, well frankly strange, that a person would be willing to work for the government for nothing, that WASO felt it necessary to send a pretty young staffer out from DC to explain things for us.

One of the pilot programs would be at our park, John Muir National Historic Site. Jim Tuck, who would go on to much bigger and better things was present and can correct my failing recollection of things if I recollect poorly.

In retrospect, one of the interesting things about the beginning of the program was how strong the NPS maintenance unions were back in the '70's.

The WASO Lady pointed out firmly and often that Volunteers were NEVER, EVER to do maintenance work as that was strictly forbidden. The reason is that the Maintenance Unions have a somewhat less romantic concept of working for the NPS than the lads and lassies who wore the flat hat, and were practical and prescient enough to see the handwriting on the wall.

Nowadays of course, this is changed: VIP's can rebuild the park infrastructure, let alone pick up trash.

Another thing was that VIP's were NEVER, EVER to do law enforcement. That seemed reasonable; no point in getting killed for free. Also, and more practically, they were not sworn and trained peace officers. Seemed logical.

To this day, there are no VIP Law Enforcement rangers on duty in any of the national parks. To be sure, there are some VIP's that help with the LE paperwork and filing, but no VIP's with baton, pepper spray, pistol and handcuffs.

Now this is interesting. Many, not all, but many, police jurisdictions beef up their officer cadre with reserve officers. These are volunteers from the community that have other jobs or careers, but see police work as an exciting hobby or a way to benefit their community. They go through the same training as regular officers and are sworn and carry, and if necessary, use the familiar tools of the law enforcement trade.

So, why doesn't the NPS have a Reserve Protection or Law Enforcement program like many of the municipality or county sheriff's jurisdictions? After all, would not various Walter Mitty types like to experience the thrill of being a park ranger without dealing with NPS politics? Why not, indeed!

For its part, the agency would score any number of "wannabees" that they would not have to pay and could terminate at any time should they prove at all annoying.

THUNDERBEAR asked several people. The answer seemed to be an outraged Victorian "My good fellow! Such a thing is not done! Not in the Traditions or Best Interests of the Service! Good Lord! Civilians with guns and Smoky Bear hats! Etc etc."

After a certain amount of this sputtering Colonel Blimpism, I realized that there had to be some legal basis for not arming VIP's. Not even the NPS with its sometimes casual compliance with Congressional and even Constitutional mandates, could not get away with this for long without some sort of legal foundation.

So we asked an NPS Law Enforcement Specialist. (If in doubt, ask a ranger!) He replied, "It likely derives from statutory language in (16 USC, 1a-6) which specifies that:

"In addition to any other authority confirmed by law, the Secretary of the Interior is authorized to designate per standards prescribed in regulations by the Secretary, certain officers or employees of the Department of the Interior who shall maintain law and order and protect persons and property within the areas of the National Park System. In the performance of such duties, the officers or employees so designated may carry firearms, make arrests, etc"

The NPS Law Enforcement Specialist goes on to say "I wouldn't put it past some NPS managers to push the envelope by declaring VIP's "Officers", but I am pretty sure that would violate Congressional Intent and the DOI would repudiate such action."

So there you have it, neighbors. Congress says you have to draw a salary if you want to pack a pistol for the NPS. Sounds reasonable.

But what about "Interpretation being the most important thing we do" like the Chief Ranger said. Is that the case? Well, maybe, then maybe not.

Every Regional Director and every superintendent is aware that nobody was ever sued for giving a bad interpretive talk or walk; plenty have been sued for a bad rescue or arrest. They understandably prefer to pay people to avoid getting sued or jailed. Can't say that I blame them.

Didn't say that! Congress may lean in the direction of Interpretation. The legislation establishing most NPS units contains a preamble called the "Congressional Mandate" providing the rationale as to why Congress is spending all that money and potentially wasting the Public's time in establishing a specific park.

For example, Yosemite's Mandate does not state, "We are establishing Yosemite because we really need high angle big cliff rescues and we really need to stop stop skinny-dipping in the Merced River". Nor does Natchez Trace's Congressional Mandate include the need to catch speeders or DUI's nor does Sequoia's mandate wax poetic about the need to prevent Marijuana farming.

THEY DON'T MAKE REPUBLICANS LIKE RUTHERFORD B. HAYES ANYMORE

On the other hand, perhaps you have spared yourself this strange line up of Grand Guignol characters all purporting to seek the highest office in the land and all pandering to the darkest side of the American character with appeals to greed, selfishness, paranoia, xenophobia, jingoism, cruelty, callousness and vengeance.

True, there were some glimmers of humanity. Newt Gingrich, who carries more personal baggage than a Boeing 707, allowed as how if someone had illegally entered the U.S but had been living a blameless, taxpaying, family loving life for 25 years or more, Newt did not plan to play Inspector Javert and hunt them down for deportation.

Ron Paul strews pearls of wisdom from time to time, such as maybe if we minded our own business and didn't get involved in every Tom, Dick, and Harry war that came down the pike, why, maybe we would be better off, and maybe that "Patriot Act" that's supposed to guard our freedoms, may be doing exactly the opposite.

Perhaps it's just me, but the current cabal of Republican contenders reminds one of those crazed religious cults that turn up from time to time in the jungles of South America or the canyons of the Southwest. You half expect Mitt Romney to offer you a glass of Kool-Aide along with that strange, sardonic smile of his.

Like I say, perhaps it's just me. One of the sure signs of advancing age is the belief that things were much better in the "good old days". The weather was better, people were more honest, girls were more virtuous, children were more polite, Chevies and Fords lasted longer, the fishing was better and so on and so forth.

HOWEVER, young whippersnappers! Back in my day, Republicans were, well, Normal. Back in my day, we had Republicans like Dwight D. Eisenhower, Earl Warren Robert Taft, Herbert Hoover, Nelson Rockefeller, and so on. True, they were somewhat dull and boring and not too imaginative, but they were not mean spirited nor vindictive; Even the "extremist" among them, Senator Barry Goldwater, made sense on certain matters and had a redeeming sense of humor (When told he couldn't play golf at a Phoenix country club because he was half Jewish, he replied "Tell 'em I'll just play 9 holes",

Yup, there was a sense of decency and fair-mindedness about those old-timey Republicans that is not found in the present crop. Even the worst of them, President Warren Harding seemed to know the difference between what was decent and fair and what was not. (Though he couldn't choose good cabinet members to save his soul)

Harding granted a presidential pardon to the Socialist Party leader, Eugene Debs who had been tossed into a Federal slammer for ten years on the rather dubious charge of being a "subversive" by the Wilson Administration.

The best of the old time Republicans, Theodore Roosevelt, may not have invented Conservation, but he made the Federal government the leading practitioner with his Fish &Wildlife Service, a professionalized Forest Service and last but not least, his Amazing, Expanding Antiquities Act that allowed a president to protect public land as easily as a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat.

As a Bull Moose Republican he came up with the remarkable Osawatomie speech, in which a "square deal" for all was demanded, including a beginning of Socialized Medicine. A hundred years later, Obama referred to TR's speech and was criticized for being too radical!

One hesitates to think of what the current jackal pack of Republican opportunists would do the public lands of the US or even the air we breathe and the water we drink should one of them land in the highest office.

Moving father back in time, we find Republicans like President Grant who graced us with Yellowstone National Park and the National Park Idea

Now hardly any Americans are aware of their 19th president, but to Paraguayans, Rutherford B. Hayes is the greatest American that ever lived. Every little Paraguayan school child is taught to revere Rutherford B. Hayes. Why is that and what was I doing in Paraguay?

Short version of a long story: My wife Joan was teaching a course at Sabana University in Bogotá, Columbia. Since we were in South America, why not see some of the sights? So, in addition to Columbia, we toured "The Avenue of the Volcanoes" in Ecuador and then visited Igauçu Falls on the border of Brazil, Argentina, and Paraguay (If you see Igauçu, you can skip Niagara as you will be profoundly disappointed in our offering.)

Since we were so close to Paraguay, Joan suggested that we visit the places where she did her doctoral research many years ago. Why not indeed?

Now Paraguay has never been on anyone's bucket list as a place to visit unless one was a birder, an escaping Nazi war criminal or a smuggler. It is a flat, landlocked, back of beyond sort of country, with a surprisingly turbulent history for such a little nation.

Some newfound Paraguayan friends volunteered to show us around the countryside (Cattle and soy beans, if you're a fan). Presently, we found ourselves in the pretty little town of Villa Hayes on the banks of the broad Paraguay River. Rather than states or provinces, Paraguay is divided into departments. Villa Hayes is capitol of the Department of Hayes.

The name "Hayes" vaguely rang a bell with me. It wasn't Spanish and it wasn't Guarani, the local Indian language, so what was the significance of "Hayes"?

It seems that small but gallant little Paraguay had a long history of getting into territorial disputes with its larger, more populated neighbors, Brazil, Argentina, and Uruguay. (In one memorable misadventure, Paraguay decided to take on all three simultaneously in the War of The Triple Alliance)

The art of International territorial mediation was just getting underway in the 19th Century, but you didn't have to be a pacifist to figure out that it was a lot less destructive than war.

In 1878, rather than indulge in another mutual bloodbath, the territorial disputants, Argentina and Paraguay agreed to have the President of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes decide the territorial issue.

As few Americans, then or now, can locate Paraguay on a map, Argentina thought taking Paraguay for a territorial shakedown would be a piece of corn bread.

They just didn't know our "Rud" as he was nothing if not fair, particularly if he thought there was an underdog in the fight. He awarded Paraguay a substantial piece of the Chaco and Paraguay never forgot him. We have.

"Rud" Hayes was born October 4, 1822 in Delaware Ohio to an upper middleclass family and graduated as Valedictorian from Kenyon College in 1842 and went on to get a law degree from Harvard and accepted by the Ohio bar in 1845. He settled down into the kind of legal practice that made lawyers prosperous pillars of the community and politicians. He also indulged his championship of the underdog by defending penniless Blacks caught up in the dragnet of the federal Fugitive Slave Act. This led him to join a somewhat radical anti-slavery political party, The Republicans.

When the Republicans won the election of 1860. Secession was immanent. Rud was initially all for letting the South go at first. He was, after all, a man of 40 with three small children and a fourth on the way. He didn't need a war.

War has a way of changing plans, however. He couldn't bear the thought of others going when he did not. (Dick Cheney could handle that thought quite well!) So, when Lincoln asked for 100,000 volunteers, Rud signed up as major with the 23rd Ohio volunteers.

Possibly to his own surprise, this reluctant soldier proved quite good at what Ernest Hemingway called the Sad Science. As Hayes dryly remarked, "I am less disposed to think of a West Point education as a requisite for this business than I was at first; good sense and energy are the qualities required." He rose to Brigadier General and was brevetted Major General in a time when rank did not protect you from bullets. He was wounded five times, becoming our most shot up President. His exploits were followed back home in Ohio and he was nominated for a Congressional seat while still very much in action.

He refused to take leave to campaign, saying "an officer fit for duty who at this crisis would abandon his post to campaign for a seat in Congress ought to be scalped."

Scalped he was not, winning the Congressional seat without making a single speech. The war ended before Congress convened and Rud settled down to family life and a guaranteed cushy birth in Ohio Republican politics.

The 1876 Presidential election rolled around, and Rud, who by then had experience as Governor of Ohio under his belt, seemed to be a natural to follow President Grant.

The 1876 election proved to be the most controversial and contested one until the Gore-Bush election. It seems that the Democrat Samuel Tilden won the popular vote, but a number of Electoral College votes were contested. The election was awarded to Hayes on the basis of a Gentlemen's Agreement that he end Reconstruction and thus tacitly allow the South to roll back Civil Rights.

The alternative to this was a very possible resumption of the Civil War with the participation of hundreds of thousands of very well trained revanchist and unreconstructed Confederate veterans. Hayes agreed but wanly insisted that the newly won Black voting rights be respected. The South basically said, "We'll think about it."

Now it didn't get much better after that. He sent reluctantly Federal troops to crush the railroad strike of 1877. His promised Civil Service reform faltered and sputtered to a stop. Chief Joseph's Nez Perce were massacred on his watch. Aside from gaining the undying love and admiration of Paraguay, he did not accomplish much internationally.

He said he wouldn't seek a second term, which was a wise decision as it was probable he wouldn't get one.

Historians rank him down around George W. Bush in the "REALLY, REALLY NOT VERY GOOD, SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME" group of Presidents.

Any mitigating factors? Well, yes: Unlike Bush, he appeared to learn by observation and experience. Although he lacked the charisma to lead an attack against the robber barons of the Gilded Age, he began to see the problem.

"Free government cannot long endure if property is in a few hands, and large masses of people are unable to earn homes, education, and support in their old age."

He also wrote "...Money is power. In Congress, in state legislatures, in city councils, in the courts, in political conventions, its influence is growing greater and greater...Excessive wealth in the hands of the few, means extreme poverty, ignorance, vice, and wretchedness as the lot of the many."

And tellingly "The Progress of Society is mainly the improvement in the condition of the workingmen of the world."

As for politics, he said, "Nothing brings out the lower traits of human nature like Office seeking. Men of good character and impulses are betrayed into all sorts of meanness."

President Hayes may not have been quite up to the job in 1876, but he certainly had a crystal ball vision of what would be wrong with the Republicans in 2012.

THE SAFETY MESSAGE

It is where many of us Americans live and work; not all of us, but a significant, powerful number. The Metro Corridor also contains much of our history, as well as where history is presently being made.

However, until recently, The Corridor was almost prohibitively expensive to visit unless you were a lobbyist, politician, hedge fund financier, or other miscreant.

Prohibitive or not, visitors did come to the Corridor, though I suspect they had to plan extensively and watch the budget, and, like visiting Norway, or other high cost destinations, its helped to have relatives on the ground to put you up and show you the ropes before you have to declare bankruptcy.

Hallelujah, Brother! You now have relatives on the ground in the DC-Boston Metro Corridor. They are the minions of the National Park Service as led by that guy in the white cowboy hat, Ken Salazar, Director of the Department of the Interior.

Your national park rangers will gladly put you up in a campsite in the DC-Boston Corridor, all you have to provide is your tent and bedding, and of course, a paltry $20 a night. (Even Uncle Fred and Aunt Martha sort of expect you to buy them a present or dinner, so you are actually ahead of the game staying with the NPS!)

Recently, (as reported in the previous issue #289) Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar announced camping at Floyd Bennett Field, Gateway NRA in New York City. This effectively closed the camping gap in the DC-Boston Corridor. It is now possible to travel the entire length of the corridor by public transport, camping in National Park campgrounds along the way, visiting all the cultural and historic sites of Washington, New York, and Boston cheaply and safely.

You see, Linda Canzanelli and other corridor superintendents can guarantee you won't get bed bugs in New York, Washington, or Boston.

Bed bugs, like fleas, are ectoparasites. They feed on human blood. Yours for instance. As the name implies, they live in and around beds. They are nocturnal and come out when you are sleeping. You will probably not notice the bite. They will inject an anticoagulant to keep the blood flowing. That is why you will notice flecks of blood on the sheets, or yourself or your partner in the morning. (As one expert dryly noted "Much of the damage done by bed bugs is psychological")

Most people are allergic to the anticoagulant, and you will probably develop a rash. The good news is that unlike deer ticks, bed bugs don't seem to transmit any life altering diseases. The bad news is that a bed bug infestation in a hotel is very hard to get rid of. Contrary to common belief, filth and flophouses are not the cause of bed bugs. They can appear in very expensive, five star hotels as they hitch hike in the crevices of luggage (One bed bug expert stores his luggage in the hotel bathtub.) At the very least never put luggage on the floor or the bed, always use those fold up luggage stands.

Hotel bed bugs are not exactly a power point when mayor Bloomburg discusses why you should visit New York City. Nor will the mayor of Boston or DC willingly discuss bed bugs. However, these mayors do not stay in their home city hotels

Are bed bugs numerous? Fortunately, if you are reading this, the answer is only a click away. Stop reading THUNDERBEAR for a moment and google up the Bed bug Registry (Yes, such a thing exists; it is not April fool's day) The Bed Bug Registry is a public-spirited organization that helpfully lists every hotel whose guests report a bed bug sighting or attack (I imagine that hotels are overjoyed with this service!)

The Bed Bug Registry provides you with maps of the United States and its major cities on line. Each infected hotel is represented by a little red dot. You will note that the red dots in the North East Corridor are so numerous that they merge into a solid red sea of seething, bloodthirsty bed bugs. The map of New York City shows Manhattan solid red with bed bugs with the exception of Central Park (You could bed down there but it would be illegal and they would take you off to jail where you would be exposed to bed bugs among other things) the bed bug maps of Boston and DC are just as depressing.

Just a simple fact of ecology, neighbors. Bed bugs don't exist in the Great Outdoors. They are an insect that evolved to be with us; in beds used by a rapidly changing cast of characters.

As you (or your very good friends) are the only people that share your sleeping bag and tent, you are not going to get bed bugs.

"But" you wail, "I am an aged Republican, I don't WANT to sleep on the ground in New York City or even Boston! Isn't there some way around this?

As noted, bed bugs are found in all economic levels of hotels, even those charging $2,000 a night. What you need is a bed bug detection dog.

Aces Bed Bug Company will sell you a Labrador retriever trained to alert on bed bugs and even viable bed bug eggs for only $8,500. you may contact Aces at Info@acesbedbugs.com.

The dogs are guaranteed to have a 95% success rate or your money back (Which is much better than Bush & Cheney in the quest for Weapons of Mass Destruction.)

You will now be able to enter with confidence any five star hotels in New York City with your Bed Bug Detection Service Dog. (It will be wearing a jacket with that specialty spelled out in 3-inch high red letters.) You will explain to the desk clerk that you are allergic to bed bugs (Most people are) and that your service dog "Cheney" needs to check out your room before you check in. It is entirely possible that they will give you the room free just to get the damn dog out of the lobby.

READERS' COMMENTS

If not, this section is your place to differ, gently or not, on articles in past issues.

As the National Park Service has a reputation, deserved or otherwise, for providing a little retribution against those deemed to be trouble makers, we take the precaution of providing you with a Pseudonym lest you come to the attention of NPS "Destroying Angels."

Our first note is from Suzie Blogger, who is an investigative reporter and environmental gadfly.

Dear THUNDERBEAR
Your article in issue #288 ("On Privacy" on e-mailing an NPS employee without going through "channels", seems to have annoyed somebody in WASO to the extent that they pressed the censorship button.
I have been using the Reference Desk Directory (www.nps.gov/refdesk and have found it most useful. However, I recently clicked it and then clicked on Reference Desk and instead of a personnel directory of the various NPS units, I got a blank page with the notation "NOT FOUND The requested URL Application/NPS directory was not found by this Server." Looks like WASO has struck back.
Do I need a "Freedom of Information Request" to access this site?
Regards

Suzie Blogger

As much as I would like to believe otherwise, this is not a plot by nefarious WASO, but rather a technical failure that has nothing to do with politics aside from the fact that the NPS has not been given enough resources to handle such mundane housekeeping tasks as keeping an up to date directory of NPS employees.

The Reference Desk is indeed a very useful tool for the inquiring taxpayer. The Reference Desk lists all the paid permanent (and sometimes seasonal) staff of the park by name and more importantly, by profession. Like we say this is useful. Let us say you are a goody two shoes who likes spending your vacations pulling exotic weeds in the national parks. You need only go to Reference Desk People and Places, select a park from the menu, and then go through the list of employees till you hit the "exotic plant specialist" or the "Natural Resource Specialist." You may then inquire if they have any weeds that need pulling.

It is considered polite and good form to cc an electronic copy of your note to the superintendent.

Now Suzy is correct. While sabotage was not intended, the Ref Desk has been down for a month, causing us paranoids to begin to wonder.

Tell you what. If you go to the NPS web page menu, there is a little box that asks, "How are we doing?" You can truthfully say "Badly in this case." and suggest they do something to restore the "People and Places" Section.

IN MEMORIAM

Our best wishes and prayers go out to the family and friends of Park Ranger Margaret Anderson who perished in line of duty defending park and public against deadly harm.
She will always be cherished and remembered.
--- The THUNDERBEAR ASSOCIATES

THE DEVIL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

A NEW NATIONAL WHATEVER

ANAL APERTURE

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

THEY DON'T MAKE REPUBLICANS LIKE RUTHERFORD B. HAYES ANYMORE

THE SAFETY MESSAGE

READERS' COMMENTS

IN MEMORIAM

Return HOME

© Copyright 2012 by P. J. Ryan, all rights reserved.
PJ Ryan can be reached at:
thunderbear123@gmail.com.

THE DEVIL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

A NEW NATIONAL WHATEVER

ANAL APERTURE

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

THEY DON'T MAKE REPUBLICANS LIKE RUTHERFORD B. HAYES ANYMORE

THE SAFETY MESSAGE

READERS' COMMENTS

IN MEMORIAM

Return HOME

© Copyright 2012 by P. J. Ryan, all rights reserved. PJ Ryan can be reached at: thunderbear123@gmail.com.

© Copyright 2012 by P. J. Ryan, all rights reserved.
PJ Ryan can be reached at:
thunderbear123@gmail.com.