VOLCANOES AND VOLCANO HOUSE
Hawaii Volcanoes National Park is one of the oldest if not the oldest attraction in the National Park System. (Nitpickers will please note that we said "attraction" not bureaucratic establishment.)
HAVO was established as a unit of the National Park System in 1916, the same year as the National Park Service was established. HOWEVER, "The Volcano" was a tourist magnet long before Yellowstone or Yosemite. Indeed, only Hot Springs and Mammoth Cave can claim to have as long a tourist history as Hawaii volcanoes. Tourists have been visiting what is now Hawaii Volcanoes National Park since 1823, and probably before.
The reason for this is not hard to discern.
Kilauea, the main volcanic attraction, is a working volcano, always putting on a show, day or night, 24/7, even on Christmas Day and New Years. (Unlike lazy, welfare volcanoes like Mount Lassen and Mount St. Helens.)
Contrary to Hollywood, very few volcanoes can afford molten lava on a regular basis. Most are content with giving off plumes of steam or ash or tossing some rocks around. Molten rock is just too energy expensive for most volcanoes.
Of the world's volcanoes, only three are wealthy enough to afford a continuous lava lake or rivers of flowing lava. They are Erta Ale Volcano in Ethiopia (Don't go there, neighbors! It's supposed to be the Worst Place On Earth.), Nyiragongo volcano in the Congo (Second Worst Place) and finally, there is Kilauea Volcano located in paradise, and yes, you should go there.
Kilauea is a showman-like volcano, always a crowd pleaser, and always coming up with new ideas. Kilauea is particularly good at tricks that appeal to children of all ages, to wit:
"BOYS AND GIRLS! WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IF I SENT A RIVER OF 2500-DEGREE MOLTEN LAVA OVER A CLIFF AND INTO A 72 DEGREE OCEAN? WOULD WE GET SOME ACTION OR WHAT?
(Yea! Do it! Do it!)
Needless to say, Kilauea does it and the results are spectacular. The volcano takes no responsibility for human error and the natural danger involved in the collision of magma and seawater.
The magma enters the sea outside the park boundary and several commercial boating companies will take you very close to the exploding juncture of molten rock and seawater. (The staff at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park will, IF ASKED, quietly and diplomatically dissuade you from taking one of these trips; one ranger told your editor "I would not permit my parents to do it.")
In addition to exploding lava and seawater, Kilauea has in the past provided dancing fountains of lava 1200 feet high, and may do so again if sufficient energy budget and public interest can be obtained.
Kilauea volcano has been most cooperative with the Hawaii Tourist Bureau, arranging its major eruptive sequences during the high tourist season for the benefit of most visitors.
"NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE!" You storm "YOU CAN'T ANTHROMORPHISE A VOLCANO! VOLCANOS ARE NOT HUMAN! THIS IS THE KIND OF NATURE FAKING THEODORE ROOSEVELT DETESTED! VOLCANOS ARE NOT SENTIENT BEINGS!
Oh yes they are! According to a recent and admittedly controversial US Supreme Court decision, corporations are for sure, people, and thus entitled to all the rights and obligations of a citizen; the most obvious right and obligation being the spending of oodles of money to get Conservatives elected to Congress
Using Supreme Court logic, it follows that volcanoes are people who have rights we are bound to respect. The Native Hawaiians have always treated Kilauea and its relatives with a great deal of respect. It would seem that Kilauea's religion would involve the volcano goddess, Pele.
So what are Kilauea's politics? Is Kilauea a Democrat or Republican volcano?
Hard to tell, neighbors.
For the past decades, Kilauea has worked hard at park and tourism development, adding several hundred acres a year to the national park at no charge to the federal government and providing spectacular sound and light shows in living color to attract visitors and publicizing Hawaii.
However, in March 2008, Kilauea became downright anti-social. It created an explosion at the Halamaumau Crater, vandalizing the NPS overlook fence and parking lot.
After the explosion, Kilauea began degassing Sulfur Dioxide from the rather modest molten lava lake in Halamaumau Crater. At present, Kilauea is producing 2,000 TONS of sulfur dioxide a DAY! This is far in excess of EPA permitted amounts of this noxious chemical. (In contact with rain or humidity, the Sulfur dioxide forms a weak solution of sulfuric acid called VOG, which raises havoc with agriculture, particularly coffee and flower production and irritates people and animals. "Downwind" is just about all of the state of Hawaii, including Honolulu. (Hilo, where your editor lives, is upwind and is spared. God planned it that way.)
The thick brownish white cloud of sulfur dioxide completely obscures the molten lava lake and the taxpayers must take the ranger's word that it exists. (It is true that if the taxpayer comes back after dark, he/she is treated to a baleful red glow on the cloud, indicating the existence of the lava lake.)
This is a disappointment to George and Martha Visitor, who might as well be back in New Jersey watching a defective oil refinery.
In addition to the above bad news, Kilauea is no longer in the park building business; that is, it no longer sends molten lava into the sea, adding to the size of Hawaii Volcanoes National Park.
This leads us back to the Supreme Court Decision that if Corporations are People then surely the volcano must be Dick Cheney.
This means that Yes, Kilauea is voting Republican for the immediate future.
You will note that Hawaii Volcanoes National Park is plural.
Yes, there is another volcano in the park, the 800-pound gorilla, Mauna Loa.
Mauna Loa is the most unobtrusive 13,000-foot mountain in the world. That is because it is (apparently) almost flat. This is an optical illusion. It is the classic shield volcano, rising at a steady grade from the sea to 13,681 feet. Unless Mauna Loa has a coating of snow, you can ask a newcomer to Hilo to guess the height of that "hill" on the horizon. Invariably, they will come up with estimates between 3,000 to 5,000 feet, rather than 13,681.
In reality, Mauna Loa is the largest, tallest mountain on our planet and the second largest object in our solar system (Mars has a bigger volcano, Olympia Mons, though it is not in a national park -- that we know of.)
According to the Firefly Guide, VOLCANOES, "Mauna Loa is the largest active volcano on Earth. It stands almost 5.5 miles above the ocean floor; there are 2.5 miles above sea level with another 3 miles underwater, If one adds the roughly 5 miles of volcanic structure that extends into the Pacific Plate, then Mauna Loa's total height comes to closer to 10.5 miles (feet) with a volume of 17,995 cubic miles (Take that, Mount Everest!)
Now the reason, rangers sometimes refer to Mauna Loa, as the "800 pound Gorilla" is its position on the island and the size and periodicy of its eruptions.
Unlike Kilauea, whose lava politely stays within the caldera or flows through uninhabited park land into the sea, Mauna Loa's summit vents are positioned to send rivers of lava to either the population centers of Kona-Kailua or (more likely) into Hilo, the second city of Hawaii. This is not a possibility but a probability. In 1881, Princess Ruth Kauanahoahoa of the Hawaiian Royal Family stopped a flow of Mauna Loa lava from entering Hilo by simply laying down in front of it. (It is not known if this "Mana" would work using Republican governor Linda Lingle, but it would be worth a try if push came to shove.)
Since 1832, there have been 39 eruptions of Mauna Loa, which doesn't seem extravagant, except that when it does erupt, it puts out ten times as much lava as Kilauea does in the same time period. In addition, Mauna Loa lava has low viscosity, which means it moves reasonably fast (You would be able to out walk it, but it is still molten 30 miles from the source.)
In 1984, nearly a hundred years after Princess Ruth, another tongue of lava came within four miles of Hilo.
The problem is the periodicy of Mauna Loa. As noted above the last eruption was in 1984. Recent eruption cycles seem to be on a 20-year interval; this means, hmm, were about 6 years over due for a river of molten rock to head for Kona Ð Kailua or Hilo
So you can see why Hawaii's volcanoes have fascinated people down through the ages.
(According to Hawaiian legend, the glow or smoke from Mauna Loa guided the first Hawaiian settlers in the final hundred miles or so across the trackless Pacific. They finally knew that SOMETHING was out there. One must give the Hawaiian navigators full credit for iron nerve and optimism in steering toward what must have looked like the gates of hell!)
Of course, that is not the way, the proto-Hawaiians looked at things. Lakes and rivers of molten rock turning the ocean into steam were certainly different from anything they had experienced. Although the homelands of the future Hawaiians, The Marquesas and the Society Islands (Tahiti) were of volcanic origin, the volcanoes had long been extinct before the first Polynesians had settled them. Thus, the Hawaiian volcanic experience was a rather novel phenomenon for our intrepid Polynesian settlers.
The explanation for all that molten rock on a continual wash and rinse cycle was that the area was the home of a particularly irascible and irritably unpredictable, short-tempered goddess named Pele. Sounds perfectly reasonable; stay out of her way, contribute offerings. Makes perfectly good sense.
Is the Pele story true? Well of course it is!
Consider today, the year of our Lord, 2010, and journey to Grand Canyon National Park. If you can avoid the heathen, godless park rangers and connect up with the right tour group, you will learn that the Grand Canyon was the end result of Noah's Flood. All that water had to go somewhere: which is what it did, roaring down the Colorado River and carving out the Grand Canyon in six days flat, not those hundred of millions of years, the slow poke federal employees say it would take! Makes perfectly good sense!
Neither God nor Pele messes around!
The birth of the volcano goddess Pele meant the birth of tourism in Hawaii more than a thousand years ago.
You see, the world's first tourists were religious pilgrims journeying to Sacred Sites like Jerusalem, Mecca, Benares, The Ganges River, Canterbury, and so on. This was true of the Hawaiian Islands and religious tourists from other Hawaiian islands such as Maui, Oahu and the others came to make offerings at Kilauea and climb Mauna Kea or Mauna Loa to do the same.
Now the first European to climb Mauna Loa was not, strictly speaking, a tourist. He was a bureaucrat on a mission. That would be Dr. Archibald Menzies, veteran of the American Revolution (He was not on our side) and naturalist attached to The Vancouver expedition of the late 18th century. His job was to climb Mauna Loa and ascertain its height. This he did in 1794, with Hawaiian porters carrying a portable barometer. He came up with the figure of 13, 564 feet, around 117 feet less than today's USGS figure of 13,681 feet, arrived at through satellite data. Dr. Menzies walked upon or viewed most of the land that later become Hawaii Volcanoes National Park.
The first actual Western tourist at Kilauea was the Reverend William Ellis of the London Missionary Society, taking a break from saving the heathens from the clutches of Pele and the other gods.
In 1823, Reverend Ellis, four other missionaries and their Hawaiian guides (proto park rangers?) spent the night of August 1, at "Volcano House" perched on the lip of the Kilauea caldera.
Now "Volcano House" might be a bit grand a term for the structure, which was basically a huge duck blind or Adirondack shelter open on the side facing the volcano. It was built of poles and thatched with ferns and other plant material from the immediate area. Due to the transitory nature of the construction material, "Volcano House" was rehabbed by each tourist party staying over. (Shelter was required due to almost constant evening rain, mist or fog at that elevation, nearly 4,000 feet.)
Although the construction materials may have been transitory, "Volcano House" as a concept may have been at that location for hundreds of years right down to the present, making it easily the oldest hotel in the National Parks.
That idea is humorously confirmed by the Reverend Ellis who did not like the location of Volcano House for safety reasons (too close to the edge of the Caldera). According to Ellis, the Hawaiians answered that it was within the limits prescribed by the goddess Pele for safe lodging and if the Haoles (Whites) didn't like it, they could bloody well sleep outside! (Pele trumps OSHA every time!)
As the decades passed, the trickle of tourists became substantial, as did Volcano House, which metamorphosed into a series of substantial wooden structures.
By 1866, when Mark Twain arrived as a tourist, Volcano House could offer "Comfortable rooms, a good table (fine dining), prompt attendance, experienced guides for the Crater, and steam and sulfur baths. Horses stabled and grained, if desired."
Visitors were encouraged to make comments in The Volcano House visitors book and Mark Twain could not resist; scribbling his now famous "dream" about King Kamehameha the Great.
Volcano House continued to evolve down through the years.
One of the strangest traditions of Volcano House was the Legend of the Eternal Fire.
In 1874, (or 1877; dates differ) someone decided that the fire in the Volcano House fireplace should not be allowed to go out. It burned day and night seven days a week; someone was always entrusted to keep the fire burning. The eternal fire of volcano house soon became a legend.
In 1938, Ripley's Believe it or Not sanctified the legend by announcing in every popular newspaper in the United States, that the "Fire had been burning in the Volcano House fireplace day and night without interruption for 61 years."
Thus the Legend of the Eternal Fireplace was incorporated into NPS folklore.
Now neighbors, this is where it starts to get really weird.
According to the "Story of Volcano House" "É. In February, 1940, the fire demon struck, leaving the historic Inn a charred ruin, with the famous fireplace pointing a spectral finger of blackened stone and mortar toward the morning sky, but before the disastrous fire had gone completely out, park rangers managed to reach the still smoldering fireplace and from it transport several scoop fulls of the glowing coals to the fireplace of the Old Volcano House MuseumÉwhen the new and ultra modern structure was completed in the fall of 1941, the glowing coals from the fireplace in the old museum building were moved to the new fireplace , thus perpetuating the fire that is still making history."
Well, not anymore, neighbors, not any more.
You see, your kindly editor was present at the End of History, the time when the Sacred Fire of Volcano House finally went out for all time.
In the waning days of the year 2009, just before New Year's, my wife Joan and a guest, and myself were visiting Kilauea. It was a cool, almost cold evening, and I suggested that we sit before the roaring 132-year-old fire in Volcano House. Our guest had never seen a 132-year-old fire before and was most interested.
I was a bit chagrined. The fire had burned down to mostly coals; only one log was flaming weakly.
"It looks like it's going out" said Joan, concerned.
Clearly, the Keeper of the Flame had not been doing his/her job.
I looked about the lobby for a concession Employee, but saw none.
Time for taxpayer intervention to save the 132-year-old fire
There was a pile of split Ohia logs to the left of the fireplace, I moved the fire screen and picked up a couple of logs.
"DROP THOSE LOGS!" An angry voice behind me snarled. It was a concession employee making his appearance.
I dropped one log on the fire and one on the stone hearth to the left of the fireplace; seemed like a good compromise.
Wrong move.
"NO ONE TOLD YOU TO PUT THOSE LOGS ON THE FIRE!" The concessioner snarled.
"No one told me not to" I replied amicably, pointing to the pile of split wood, apparently ready for the fire.
"THAT WOOD IS GREEN! IT WON'T BURN! He responded triumphantly.
I courteously suggested that having wood that won't burn sort of defeats the concept of a fire in the fire place. (Later, Joan suggested that I was baiting him, but I was just pointing out the truth!)
I thought we had a case of territorialism. I told the concession employee that I wasn't trying to do his job, but that unless SOMEONE came up with some dry, burnable wood, the historic 132-year-old fire, mentioned in most guidebooks, would sure go out.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER! IT DOESN'T MATTER!" He growled, cryptically.
Joan was getting a bit concerned, and other taxpayers were taking an interest in what looked like a Shakespeare-by-the-fireplace drama. Just how tightly wrapped this concession employee was I could not say and did not particularly want to find out.
"It's getting late, perhaps we'd better be going!' said Joan, brightly. (Now neighbors, those words, spoken by various females down through the centuries, have saved their less astute spouses from serious bodily harm in various venues.)
I picked up on the hint and we left.
Later I discovered the meaning of the cryptic "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" uttered by the Concessioner.
It really didn't matter. At the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, 2010, the current park concessioner's contract with the National Park Service ended. The NPS had decided to shut down Volcano House for some much needed maintenance that would work out to at least a year out of service and to reevaluate the role of the park concessioner. (One guidebook noted that the food at Volcano House was often inedible.)
Naturally, this meant that there would be no need for a fire in an uninhabited building (indeed, good reason for not) nor was there anyone who wanted to baby sit (fire sit?) a 132 year old fire for the sake of history, so, on or about New Years Eve, the fire was allowed to burn itself out and a 132 year tradition came to an end.
I would imagine the Historic Preservation people would shed no tear over the demise of this rather bizarre tradition. Like the Yosemite Fire Fall, there seemed to be no justification aside from "We've always done it." However, just to be on the safe side, I'll check with Jerry Rogers to see if we have an Office for the Propagation of Anachronistic traditions in WASO.
"A MODEST PROPOSAL" REVISITED
How old is THUNDERBEAR, "The Oldest Alternative Newsletter in the Federal Government?" Well now, neighbors, since it first came out in 1977 that would make it 32 years old. My! How time flies when you're having fun! Was it always somewhat controversial?Yup! Right off the mark, starting with issue #1. One of the topics covered 32 years ago in issue #1 is still, well, controversial. In fact, it is so controversial and topical that we shall reprint the article and comment on any changes that have occurred in the past 32 years. So here is our glance at the past.
A MODEST PROPOSAL (1977)
It has occurred to me as it has to others, that the Native American Peoples; the Indians, Inuits, Aleuts, and Hawaiians, as well as the state and national parks, seem to be perennially under funded. Now it is true that there are wealthy Native Americans as it is true that there are wealthy park systems, such as that of the state of California. (The names of the Native Hawaiian millionaires escape me but there must be scores of them considering the amount of hotel development in the islands.) but in the main, both Native American Peoples and American parks seem to have a constant case of the shorts when it comes to that old, everyday, evil Long Green that folks in the Mainstream seem to possess in greater or lesser abundance. It is not known why these two groups are under funded. Many sociologists and anthropologists speculate about the reason. It can be authoritatively stated that in both cases it is not due to lack of love. More books are written about the Native Americans than about all the Finns, Poles, Irish, Bulgarians and Malays put together. What is even more interesting is that all the books and all the TV and all the movies produced after 1959 are all immensely favorable to the Native American. Every towheaded suburban kid now wants to play Cochise or Sitting Bull rather than Colonel Custer. Recently, I have met far more people who claimed to be descended from those who met the Mayflower than those who arrived on that ship. It can be said that the Native American is our most officially beloved ethnic group. This is also true of Parks on both the state and federal level. Everyone loves parks; probably even the Mafia loves parks. A politician, who seeks to oppose the establishment of a particular park, must speak at great length on his GENERAL love for parks and his support for more and better ones, lest he be snowed under at the polls as an environmental cretin. Forests are felled to provide paper for thousands of books on Nature and how we should protect it. If it is not lack of love that bedevils the Native Americans and the State and National parks, then what is the problem? One philosopher remarked that what the Poor lack most of all is money. This is only partially correct: What the Poor really lack is total control over a well-paying job or an inexhaustible natural resource in great demand by the majority; the American Medical Association being an example of the former, the Arab oil sheiks an example of the latter. The money (If not the love) usually follows. With the exception of the Coal Navajo and Crow, and the Oil Inuit, few Native Americans tribal groups have much in the way of natural resources. Such jobs that exist are as seasonal and marginal as those of the Anglo-Saxon tribes of Appalachia. Like the Native Americans, the Parks have very few, if any exploitable resources. Indeed, they were set up as living museums of such resources, and must depend on the good will and love of a sometimes-parsimonious Congress. THUNDERBEAR pondered the problem for sometime and has come up with an ursinely simple solution for the economic problem of the Native Americans and the Parks. PLACE THE GROWING, PROCESSING, AND MARKETING OF MARIJUANA TOTALLY IN THE HANDS OF THE NATIVE AMERICANS AND SPLIT THE PROFITS WITH THE LAND & WATER CONSERVATION FUND. If a pun can be pardoned, Marijuana is what is known as a growth industry; meaning that there does not seem to be an end of demand for the product. It is also going to be a legal industry in a very short time. It would be a pity to allow such a boon to fall into the hand of our beloved cigarette companies without some consideration of alternatives. One of the alternatives would be total control of the Marijuana industry by the Native peoples; a monopoly of a product in great demand by perhaps 20 million of the population. A number of spokespersons for these 20 millions have wondered if some of the profits from Marijuana could not be diverted to a worthy project; I can think of no more worthy project than parklands. Marijuana is one of the world's hardiest plants. It can be grown in every state of the union, including Alaska. Indeed, specific steps have to be taken to keep it from growing, as every Midwesterner knows. There is no Indian reservation so barren, so eroded, so small, and so dry, that it does not contain a few acres that would support a tribal Cannabis crop. The few paltry acres left to the Native Hawaiians after their land was taken for sugar cane and pineapple, would produce two bumper crops of Marijuana a year. A tax on such legal Marijuana could go directly into the Land & Water Conservation Fund. Our ready and able Department of Agriculture, fresh from breeding tobacco plants resistant to everything except Judgment Day, could easily breed stock for all the "Jamaican" "Thai", "Maui Wowee etc. that dopers prattle about. The Aleuts and Point Barrow Eskimos can grow the plants in greenhouses, as natural gas is readily available. Thus for the first time since the discovery of tobacco, New World Peoples would control a renewable natural resource that Old World People desperately crave. An amusing, romantic, but impractical proposal, you say? Hardly. 80% of our present Marijuana consumption is presently being grown by North American Indians; except that they are called Mexicans (At least the Mexican government calls them Mexicans). Another 10 to 15% comes from the Golden Isles of Hawaii, where according to the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE, it is the biggest crop in the state, surpassing sugar by an estimated $100 million in 1977. All THUNDERBEAR proposes is that we move the Marijuana monopoly from the Mexican Indian to the U.S. Indian and the Native Hawaiians, eliminate the organized crime middleman and allow a fair share of the profits for the State and Federal parks. It is a modest proposal. Think about it. Speaking as a non-Native American and as one of the dwindling number of permanent NPS personnel who has NEVER tried, nor intends to try the "Killer Weed", I offer this Modest Proposal without prospect of monetary or euphoric benefit, but merely as a public service -- Editor. |
Well now, neighbors that was 1977.
What has changed?
Not much. (Sadly enough, the California State Park system, the richest in the nation in 1977, is almost bankrupt today.)
Your esteemed editor, The Christian Bureaucrat, STILL has yet to sample The Killer Weed or any other "controlled substance" aside from beer and wine.
We were also a bit optimistic about how soon Marijuana would be decriminalized.
Other than that, not much has changed in 32 years of the dope wars.
While nothing has changed, times have changed.
The US is no longer the rich, powerful, confident nation it was back in 1977. We are beginning to see our limitations. We can longer fund endless "wars" on this and that. We are not "broke," but damn close to it!
Indeed, today we have several "hot" wars going on, as well as a nebulous undercover "War on Terror," each of which is eating up billions.
In addition, the Dope Wars have touched the National Parks and the National Forests in ways that were unimaginable back in the 1970's.
Back then; it was conceivable that people might smoke dope in Yosemite and other large parks. It was not conceivable that people would farm dope in America's National Parks and National Forests on an industrial agricultural scale.
Today, hardly a MORNING REPORT is posted (during the growing season) that does not list the gritty Marijuana plantation eradication efforts of law enforcement rangers in Yosemite, Point Reyes, Sequoia, Great Smoky and just about any other NPS unit that has a reasonably remote backcountry area.
These plantations make a mockery of wilderness protection and resource management, introducing an alien species, illegal trails, and other illegal infrastructure including irrigation and diversion of water, illegal pesticides, herbicides, deer and other animal repellents as well as trash and human waste.
As for the "hard" drugs, such as Heroin and Cocaine, the various cartels are hard at work on a variety of semi-submersible "submarines" that can transport their products from Columbia or Venezuela to Mexico, where it can be sent under the US border through tunnels, or more prosaically, transported in by any number of willing "mules."
Marginally successful efforts at interdiction by the DEA, NPS, and other federal and state law enforcement agencies have eliminated the inefficient dope dealers and provided a sort of "crop subsidy" to the remaining dealers by maintaining an artificial shortage of dope.
So, what is to be done?
Well now, our hard pressed President can win one of his many "Wars" by simply going to the Rose Garden or the Oval Office and stating that the Dope War is over.
We have won, totally and decisively.
Victorious, we are taking entire ownership of the lucrative dope industry in North America. To the victor belong the spoils!
All dope, be it marijuana, cocaine, or opium derivatives will be grown by Native Americans or disabled veterans and the US Government will supervise the processing, sale and distribution of said dope.
Yes, neighbors, for the first time in US history, "Controlled Substances" will actually BE Controlled Substances rather than Drug Enforcement Agency wishful thinking.
How can that be? You ask suspiciously, wisely cynical after nearly a hundred years of failed federal dope policy.
Well, several factors, friends.
You see, Uncle Sam will be the sole owner and proprietor of dope sold in the United States.
U.S. dope will be sort of like U.S. currency; a government monopoly.
Now, like me, you have often noticed a serious shortage of currency at the end of the month; but like me, you have learned never, ever, to even THINK of using the office color-copying machine to help Uncle Sam with his currency shortfall.
You realize that sooner rather than later, grim faced young men or women from the Secret Service will be asking you questions not about the President's welfare, but about your diddling with U.S. currency. You also know they have some stiff, non-negotiable sentences for non-compliance with their monopoly.
But how can you prove it is government dope?
Simple. As in the case of currency, Uncle Sam will add a trace element to the dope that can be identified by a simple field test by law enforcement, Non government dope, like non government currency will merit stiff jail terms.
More importantly, we will take advantage of the Free Enterprise system.
Free Enterprise?
Yup! You see dope dealers, bless their hearts, are devout capitalists, not socialist doing gooders. They are in the dope business strictly for the money, not to maintain somebody in chemical nirvana free of charge.
Government dope, while regulated, would always be sold at a lower price than the Mafia or other criminal dope. Among economists, this technique is called "dumping" and is a crude but effective way of putting your competition out of business.
But isn't dope evil?
Well yes, like alcohol, dope is bad for you. Real bad.
That is why dope should be a controlled substance. It should be controlled, taxed and regulated. Some of the money from dope taxes should be used for addiction prevention education (seems to be working with tobacco) and treatment of addicts.
Do addicts really want treatment? Do they really want to stop using dope? Most of them, sooner or later, do want treatment. Addicts are rather famously not regarded as dependable, nor are they taken seriously, except by other addicts. Most people want to be part of the Big Picture; to have their advice and suggestions treated with respect. This does not happen if you are a practicing dope fiend.
"Well now, did you come up with that idea by all yourself, or did it come out of a needle? "This is a legitimate question that can be asked of an addict and it has been asked of addicts as diverse as Rush Limbaugh, Robert F. Kennedy Jr, and Cyndi McCain. All of these people wanted to be taken seriously and thus they sought treatment for their addiction. The treatment was successful and they, along with thousands of other ex-addicts, now lead happy, productive, and last but not least, tax paying lives.
Putting these people in prison would not be in the best interests of the taxpayer.
Well now, you ask, it is true that Marijuana will grow anywhere, but Coca, the source plant of Cocaine, is a tropical plant. Where can we grow Coca and produce Cocaine? We will still have to buy it from the Columbian cartels, won't we?
Not at all, neighbors!
Through a fluke of Greedhead economics, Hawaii will be able to meet America's Cocaine requirements.
You see, back in the 1970's much of America's sugar and most of its pineapple were raised in Hawaii on huge plantations. Now that was O.K. as the plantation workers were all unionized and were making a pretty decent living with pretty good working conditions as contrasted with say, the non-union farm labor of California, Utah, and Idaho.
This obviously would not do. Greedhead economists pointed out that the pineapple and sugar workers in Taiwan and the Philippines had figured out how to live on 25 cents an hour and were so dog grateful to get it that they ignored those silly rumors about the effects of pesticides and other sprays they were breathing.
The result was that the Hawaii sugar and pineapple industries collapsed. Totally.
I believe there is a small amount of sugar cane grown on the island of Maui for a specialty rum distillery and a friend of mine on the Big Island raises some "heirloom" varieties of pineapple for the local market. That's about it; all that remains of a hundred year old, hundred million dollar industry. (Ain't Free Trade Great?)
Hawaii, to its credit, would like to keep the former plantations in some form of agriculture or agro forestry.
Various environmental do-gooders have envisioned selling off the plantations in five acre plots that would be farmed by locals who would make Hawaii self sufficient in all foodstuffs except white bread and spam, help solve global warming and so on.
Turns out this are an economic No No, neighbors.
Seems that these little truck farms would be "inefficient" for such "low value" crops such as tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, yams, and such.
In reality, this means that California Agribusiness would saturate the Hawaiian market with a deluge of vegetables that would remain mysteriously low priced until you and your five-acre friends declared bankruptcy.
Ah, but Coca is different! It does not do well in California but as any experienced DEA agent can tell you, Bolivian and Peruvian indigenous people who have limited contact with the 21st century can farm it VERY efficiently on very small plots.
Now it has been said that it would require a 300 square mile plantation to raise the 700-ton amount of Cocaine to meet the demand of America's 4 million Cocaine users.
Now that sounds like a lot, but in reality it is a square 17.32 miles on each side; admittedly a respectable chunk of land in any one place, but the Coca plantations would be scattered throughout the Hawaiian Islands very much like the sugar and pineapple plantations, and indeed, would occupy much of the same land.
Interestingly, the former military target island of Kahoolawe has been deeded to the indigenous Hawaiians. At present, Kahoolawe is uninhabited, arid and barren and awaits a decision on the part of the Native Hawaiian on what exactly to do with the island and what crops, if any, should be grown on the island. Coca may be a lucrative answer.
We can now move on to the Opium poppy as a cash crop for Native Americans or disabled war veterans.
Unlike Cannabis, which grows almost anywhere, and Coca, which has a restricted tropical venue, the Opium poppy is a temperate climate crop, which means it can be grown in most of the Midwestern United States and the Central Valley of California.
95% of illegal opium and its derivative, heroin comes from Afghanistan, home of the beloved Afghans, a people that we must introduce to democracy at all costs (Why this is necessary has not been adequately explained to your editor, nor apparently to the Afghans). At any rate, not even war and suicide bombings have had any effect on the Afghan farmers gallant efforts to grow all the illegal dope the world requires.
About the only way to get the Afghans to switch to growing tomatoes will be to saturate the US Market with Uncle Sam's heroin.
That's where Oklahoma comes in. Not only does it have a climate and growing season similar to Afghanistan, it has a large number of Native Americans, not all of who are rich.
As in the case with Afghanistan, where we must dicker with reactionary warlords to get anything done, in order to make the US self sufficient in heroin, we will have to placate the two Oklahoma senators Coburn and Inhofe.
Undoubtedly the two senators will have philosophical objections.
There is no getting around it: We will nationalize the entire dope industry. The production, distribution and consumption of dope will be under federal supervision. Aside from profit sharing with Native Americans and disabled veterans the remaining profits will go to the federal government for drug education and rehab, as well as to the Land and Water Fund.
As previously noted, for the first time in 300 years, "Controlled Substances" would actually be controlled.
However, one can understand the point of view of Senators Coburn and Inhofe. Federal ownership of the dope industry would be socialism, pure and simple.
The present day Dope Industry is the last pure example of unfettered Capitalism and Free Enterprise left in America, if not the world?
The Dope Industry is Adam Smith at his best: Classic supply and demand capitalism! No crop subsidies! No nit picking environmental regs! Improved varieties of dope plants bred by private dope scientists at no cost to the taxpayer rather than some fancy Dan Department of Agriculture or left wing university professors! Above all, no damn lawyers, courts, or judges! A dope dealer's word is as good as a written contract! (And when it isn't, then the "Invisible Hand" of the dope marketplace will provide a "Columbian necktie" for the miscreant. He will not do it again!)
Senators Coburn and Inhofe can therefore be expected to object to the nationalization of the dope industry on moral grounds that such rampant socialism will weaken the moral fiber of America's youth.
Perhaps we can placate the honorable Gentlemen from Oklahoma by placing the entire Opium poppy growing and refining industry in Oklahoma. We shall see.
SACRED LOGS
One of the strangest---and most poignant monuments in America is a neo classical temple in Kentucky.
The temple, a sort of smaller version of the Athens Parthenon is located atop an earthen pyramid that rises gently above the surrounding terrain. The temple itself is build of pink stony creek granite and is roughly 30 x 50 feet. 56 broad marble stairs reach the structure.
Now the ancient Greeks had done this stuff many times before, so what makes the American knock off so unique and so stirring is what is inside the temple.
It is not a heroic marble or bronze statue of some warrior or statesman; the object of veneration is not even human, not even a god.
It is a simple, primitive log cabin, about 12 x 17 feet in dimension.
The cabin symbolizes the humble beginnings of the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
As a commemorative act, the temple and the cabin was a stroke of genius.
Lincoln began in such a cabin, a totally blank slate; his future greatness far ahead.
Indeed, from an actuarial standpoint, young Master Lincoln was unlikely to survive his first year, being taken away by "The milk sick" or "The Ague" or simply "The fever." Therefore, it did not make much sense to go the route of the heroic figure gazing into the future, as at that time, Abe didn't have much foreseeable future in a frontier settlement on the edge of nowhere.
So, the humble log cabin illustrates the slight, remote, but still possible opportunity for greatness in America; a chance to rise into a sort of Greek pantheon, even if your beginning was circumscribed by a stack of rough hewn logs.
The logs of the original log cabin were probably recycled many times by the practical, thrifty settlers long before Lincoln became immortal and his logs sacred. So various entrepreneurs provided a log cabin which was "of the period" (sort of) and "could have" been the cabin" (or parts of the logs therein, and so on. (Indeed, in order to fit the "historic " log cabin into the monument, it was necessary to cut a couple of feet off each log!")
The history of the Sacred Logs is such that the NPS points out that they are strictly symbolic and representative of the type of log cabin that was the nativity scene for just about everyone born on the frontier. The logs may or may not have sanctified by the presence of the young Abe Lincoln.
After Andrew Jackson, it became politically expedient for every politician to claim to have been born in a log cabin. (Strangely enough, log cabin symbolism even extends to the crazy dictatorship of North Korea whose founder "The Dear Leader" was alleged to have been "born in a log cabin on a mountain top" (Very much like Davey Crockett!). At any rate, the "sacred" natal log cabin is depicted on North Korean currency.)
The American infatuation with "historic" log cabins can have some hilarious results.
Jerry Rogers, former NPS Chief of Cultural Resources, recalls visiting the log cabin of Stephen Austin, founder of the Republic of Texas, built around 1822. Jerry was surprised by the symmetry of the two room cabin, each log perfectly round, each room exactly the same size as the other. In addition, Jerry noted a slight smell of creosote and triangular holes in the logs left by lineman spurs; it was obvious that the "historic" shrine of Texas Independence was made of recycled telephone poles!
Checking into the matter, Rogers found that members of Texas Historical Commission was aware of the problem and were totally embarrassed. It seems that no historical buildings of the Stephen Austin period had survived, but FDR's 1930's Works Progress Administration had solved that problem with the telephone pole log cabin, which was incorporated into the Stephen F. Austin State Park in 1940.
The obvious thing to do would be to remove the cabin,
However, there was a problem; the replica had become "sacred" after decades of veneration, perhaps second only to the Alamo itself.
According to Jerry, "Word spread among the Daughters of the Republic of Texas that "pointy headed bureaucrats in Austin, conspiring with leftist DC liberals, wanted to demolish Stephen F. Austin's cabin. Small newspapers around the state competed with one another in vitriolic editorials; all of them outraged at the bureaucrats. Texas Historical Architect Wayne Bell took his life in his hands attending public meetings.
The climax came at one such meeting when a DRT member of significant size and voice, eyes afire and finger wagging, and bosom and jowls a jiggle, asked the fundamental question:
"MR. BELL, HOW MANY GENERATIONS TEXAN ARE YOU?"
Fortunately Bell was able to answer that he had more generations of Texan ancestry than the DRT member and the cabin was removed. Had he been one of those untrustworthy newcomers, it would probably still be there.
So are the Lincoln logs legitimate? Probably not. Indeed, irony of irony, logs from a Jefferson Davis log cabin MAY have been mixed in with the Lincoln logs by an entrepreneur who collected "historic" log cabins for historic sites!
What does seem to be true is that the logs are genuinely old. If you believe that Global Warming is a problem and if you believe that one of the answers to the problem is the sequestering of carbon in tree trunks and either not cutting down the trees or making sure that the tree trunks do not burn, then log cabins might be a modest part of the solution for global warming.
That is, they have sequestered the carbon of the late 18th and early 19th century for 200 years or more. (The 13th century roof beams of Mesa Verde have been even more successful.)
So, if we are interesting in sequestering carbon, the obvious thing to do would be to move the one billion Chinese and one billion Hindus into two story Lincoln log cabins, as well as the Haitians and the rest of the developing world.
As housing for the world's population, log structures have much to recommend them:
- EASE AND SPEED OF CONSTRUCTION: Without being overtly elitist, you don't have to be the sharpest tool in the drawer to put together a log house; just about anyone and their neighbors can do it.
Consider this: A few years back, Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt arrived at Great Smoky Mountains National Park, driving a herd of DOI bureaucrats and carrying a log house kit on a semi tractor trailer. The kit was a gift to the NPS from a log home manufacturer who fancied a tax write off and some good publicity.
The park superintendent had allowed as how he could use an 8-person seasonal bunkhouse but didn't know how he could pay for it. Enter the Log House fairy in the form of Bruce Babbitt who had connections .
Now the bureaucrats that Babbitt had assembled had low to middling carpentry skills, but, starting early on a long Appalachian summer day, they put the 8 person bunk house up in time for the celebratory barbecue and beer bust that very same evening. What DOI bureaucrats can do, anyone can do!
- RESISTANCE TO EARTHQUAKES. Unlike stone masonry, bricks, adobe, or even reinforced concrete, log structures have the ability to flex and roll with earthquake punches, and will usually remain intact.
- RESISTANCE TO FIRE Log structures are not fire proof, but due to their density and lack of cavities, log structures do not take fire easily unless some form of accelerant is used.
- RESISTANCE TO CORRUPTION. The bane of the Third World is the corrupt building inspector who, in collusion with the corrupt contractor, can virtually guarantee that you and your family will eventually be buried alive in your fake concrete house. Aside from assembling the log structure yourself, the concept is pretty straightforward; the logs are either obviously present or they are not (unlike the case of absent Re- bar).
- RESISTANCE TO GLOBAL WARMING. For our purposes, this is the main reason for putting much of the world's population in Lincoln log cabins. Unlike John Muir who liked to "release the sunshine and warmth of 300 summers" on winter camping trips by setting fire to a fallen sugar pine and sleeping in front of the reflected heat, we would not release the "sunshine"(carbon) but keep it stored in log structures and wooden furniture for the foreseeable future
- RESISTANCE TO POLLUTION. Unlike log structure production, cement manufacturing is a highly polluting industry The main ingredient is limestone; in addition to the pollution caused by the machinery used to mine and transport the limestone to the kiln, it is necessary to "cook" the limestone at temperatures of 2500 degrees F, thus more fuel costs and resulting pollution. THEN there is the pollution by products in the limestone itself. Cement makers go for the purest limestone available but they are not always successful and, depending on the nature of the impurities in the limestone, a cement kiln can emit EPA significant amounts of mercury, arsenic and other life threatening pollutants. The EPA estimates that cement kiln pollution kills between 620 and 1,620 deaths per year and increased health costs of 4.5 billion in the US alone. Granted, it is possible to get pollutants like mercury out of cement production just like it is possible to provide clean burning coal for power production. The only thing you have to add is money; lots of it, to clean up the processes.
It seems that many "developing" countries are reluctant to spend that money to clean up cement kilns. Now that is a pity because mercury pollution sort of likes to travel: across and finally into oceans and waterways, which is why they tell you not to eat fish
Maybe the cement people will clean up their act, maybe they won't. Log structures would be a tolerable substitute until that happens.
So where are we going to get all these logs?
Well now that is the advantage of log construction. While a log house made of teak, mahogany or ebony might impress the neighbors, you have the advantage of using fast growing "junk trees" such as lodge pole pine, eucalypts, poplar, Neem, and other trees that were considered only fit for pulp or firewood. Generally speaking, you get into trouble with cracking and splitting when you try to saw fast growing trees such as poplar, cottonwood, or Eucalyptus into lumber. You largely avoid that problem if you stick with logs as in log structures.
As noted, Eucalyptus grows very fast. In the 1970's the Hawaiian sugar cane industry collapsed. The owners of the plantations wanted a crop that would grow fast with low maintenance and be reasonably rewarding. They hit upon planting Eucalyptus forests. They were certainly fast growing and required little maintenance (They are not called "The Fascist Tree" for nothing; very little BUT eucalyptus will grow in a stand of these trees.)
Exactly what would be the market for these trees upon maturity was a bit more nebulous. It was thought that possibly they would be a source of veneer, or floor tile, or maybe a source of wood pulp. (If you have ever lived down wind of a pulp mill, you might not be too excited about that idea.) Then there was the idea that the local power company would burn the wood as a renewable source of fuel for its power plant. (Honolulu, as well as the rest of the Hawaiian islands would be downwind of such a power plant on the Big Island; claims that such a plant would be "pollution free" are filed under "heard that one before!")
So, what to do with the more than 30,000 acres of Eucalyptus forest on the Big Island plus thousands of acres more on the other islands?
Well, as they were all pretty much planted at one time, they are almost all uniformly of log cabin diameter and length; not too big, not too small. (Your editor drives through these forests on a weekly basis) . The owners of these forests might consider going into the log house kit business and selling the kits worldwide.
Now if Eucalypts don't grow fast enough for you, The University of Hawaii has come up with an experimental hybrid of the nasty invasive weed tree Leucaena that has proved to be a bit of a problem in the Everglades. The new reformed and rehabilitated Leucaena spontanea, grow straight and tall and achieves a diameter of 40 centimeters (Nearly 16 inches in Christian measurements) in just 12 years! Spontanea has the advantage of being sterile, so one does not have to worry about invasiveness.
"Now just a darn minute," you say. "I'm a practicing Republican and I refuse to live in a log hut like that yokel, Lincoln!"
Nobody said you had to! Log houses can be as extravagant as any other McMansion! There is no limit on the size of a log structure. If you consult the various log cabin magazines or actual log homes built by the likes of Ted Turner or Dick Cheney, you will see that your desires will not be constrained. In fact, the larger and more extravagant your log house is, the better it will be for the environment. You can even call yourself a "Climate Change Interventionist" if you like.
Now that we have taken care of the Republicans, how are we going to provide Lincoln log cabins for the rest of humanity; all those Chinese, Hindus, and Haitians? Well, we will need to irrigate and afforest the Sahara Desert, the interior of Australia, and maybe the Gobi Desert.
We have the technology, but where will we get the money?
Well, let's skip the next atomic world war and the next 5 or ten conventional wars and see if we just might have enough left over in the petty cash drawer to fund an affordable Lincoln log house for everyone.
FACTS AND CONCLUSIONS
Now neighbors, one of the downsides of the internet is that some well meaning friend or relative will e mail you some vitriolic screed of "facts" that the Government or the Zionists or Wall Street, or the Vegetarians or "THEY", have been keeping from the innocent American people. You are advised as a patriotic American to read this as the Lord's Own Truth and electronically pass it on to someone as virtuous and patriotic as yourself.
Within living memory, the life of a crackpot was much more difficult. You had to take the book, newspaper, or magazine article to a library or office of some kind where they had a copy machine (few private citizens could afford a copy machine), make as many copies as you had friends, or could afford, then you had to take the time to write an individual, fairly coherent note to accompany the article. Then you had to buy a first class stamp and an envelope for each article, address the envelope by hand or by typewriter (remember those?). Then you could mail them off, the Lord's work done!
Now, thanks to the Internet, things are different; the crackpot can send hundreds of unsubstantiated rumors and alleged "facts" spiraling off into cyberspace at little cost in time or money; so we are bombarded with a blizzard of "facts" and "information".
Somewhere within that blizzard might flutter a Snowflake of Truth; what might have been the key to December 7, or September 11.
Every President, from Obama on back is presented with a barrage of "facts" by his advisors, along with the implication "That facts don't lie." That is true, but facts can be misinterpreted.
How facts can be misinterpreted was brought home by our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln.
Lincoln was attending a military briefing that had split into two factions. Each faction had table thumping "facts" that showed the Confederates were going to do something directly opposite what the "facts" of the other faction indicated. Each side claimed factual infallibility.
Lincoln was one of our few genuinely witty presidents and he often told droll stories to break tension and prove a point. This was one of those times.
"Gentlemen" Lincoln began, "This reminds me of a time back home in Illinois.
A farmer sent his son down to the barn to get some fresh eggs for breakfast. While getting the eggs, the little boy thought he heard voices in haymow.
Taking care, the boy slowly climbed the ladder to the haymow. He carefully peered over the pile of hay.
What he saw caused him to quickly descend the ladder and run for home.
"PAW! PAW!" he cried SOMETHIN' TURRIBLE IS GONNA HAPPEN!"
"WHAT IS IT, SON!"? Demanded the alarmed farmer.
PAW! THE HIRED MAN AND SIS ARE UP IN THE HAY MOW! THE HIRED MAN IS UNBUTTONIN' HIS BRITCHES AND SIS IS HITCHIN' UP HER SKIRT!
PAW! WE GOTTA STOP EM! THEY'RE FIXIN TO PEE ON OUR HAY!"
The farmer considered a moment and sadly replied "SON, YOU'VE GOT YOUR FACTS RIGHT, BUT YOUR CONCLUSION NEEDS A LITTLE WORK."
Lincoln's story broke the tension and the two factions had to agree that maybe a little more interpretation was required.
Sort of like over in Yellowstone where everyone can agree that migratory bison in winter are a definite fact, but not everyone agrees that shooting them is the correct response to the facts.
APPALACHIA BY THE SEA
Hawaii has more 5 star award winning hotels and resorts than any state except California.
This is understandable as tourism; along with the Military is a mainstay of the economy.
However, most Hawaiians don't live in such splendor or even the upper middle class digs portrayed in SUNSET magazine.
Most house proud Hawaiians live in small, neat one story homes, complete with exotic (to a mainlander) fruit trees, but with the tropical vegetation and particularly the lawns carefully barbered and manicured with almost Germanic precision.
That is how most of the Hawaiians live.
Then there are the Appalachian or Alaskan Hawaiians.
In John McPhee's classic study of modern Alaska "Coming into the Country", McPhee comments on the source of Alaskans: "If you venture into America's rural areas, particularly in the South or Appalachians, sooner or later, you will come upon the unpainted homestead of an imaginative dreamer/inventor; his front and back yards covered with the results of mechanical projects or experiments not yet entirely realized. What you are looking at is the home of an Alaskan who has not yet gone to Alaska." (Or words to that effect.)
What McPhee did not mention is that free spirited willingness to reinvent oneself also applies to Hawaii.
After all, no one goes to South Dakota or Kansas in order to be different.
While it is true that many people settle in Hawaii to get out of the cold, more come to reboot their lives. Now by "rebooting their lives", we don't necessarily mean "reform" as in a READER'S DIGEST article in which the protagonist gives up dope, promiscuity, and socialism, and finds Jesus and the Republican party. (Although, believe it or not, that scenario occasionally happens.)
This is particularly true of those who live on the lava subdivisions of Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii.
Not too long ago (and indeed, not too far in the future) glowing rivers of lava coursed down the slopes of Mauna Loa toward the town of Hilo.
The lava flows stopped short of Hilo but sort of spoiled the business plans of plantation owners whose sugar cane fields were now less than 4 to 6 feet of solid rock.
The land was now understandably cheap (by Hawaiian standards) and this attracted every Free Spirit who was not nailed down by a good health plan and pension.
Rain is measured in feet rather than inches on this side of the Big Island and the lava flows were soon pioneered by hardy Ohia scrub and other plants. The human pioneers were not far behind. Unlike Alaska, you can be totally incompetent at house building, but you are not going to freeze to death; you might be rained on, but it's a warm rain, which is sort of the philosophy of Hawaii.
At any rate, shelter was erected and the front and back yards were landscaped in the Alaskan Appalachian manner with the innards of various mechanical experiments lying about in an apparent haphazard manner, but known to their owner and ready to be put to use in an instant should the need arise.
The Lava Pioneers defy easy pigeon holing; they can be devout Christians or howling atheists, vegetarians, organic farming believers (lots of those) Conservatives or Liberals or what have you.
Mostly they are amiable and friendly, but with an almost competitive eccentricity.
One example would be the Dueling Signs.
One Lava homeowner felt moved to put up a large sign in his front yard that requested
"ASK GOD FOR WISDOM"
An alcoholic agnostic down the road countered with his own yard sign that scoffed
"ASK BEER FOR WISDOM"
Further down the road, an optimistic pragmatist's yard sign read
"ASK GOD FOR BEER"
THE SAFETY MESSAGE
Finally! What you as Park Safety Officer have been looking for! The Safety Message!
Your sole reason for reading this anti-establishment balderdash! (At least if a supervisor asked why you accessed THUNDERBEAR during working hours.) Now you will have something to present at the tailgate safety meeting.
Recently, your esteemed editor, the Christian Bureaucrat, came across a bit of street wisdom on the Internet that suggested that commercial wasp or hornet spray was effective against two legged varmints as well as the six-legged flying variety.
That is, you could ankle on down to your friendly hardware store and buy a can of DOOM pressurized wasp & hornet spray for $6.95 and use it on any mugger or car jacker that attacks you.
According to the internet blurb, it is BETTER than the usual tear gas or pepper sprays in that it (A) can be sprayed from a greater distance (B) is more "effective" (i.e. painful) (C) is cheaper and (D) is not conspicuous and thus will not cause comment if observed by co-workers or even police.
The idea of using this stuff as a defensive weapon has spread wide and wildly thanks to the Internet. I called a friend who is a biologist, but now is clerking in a hardware store in Northern Florida. During the course of our conversation, I happen to mention the idea of wasp spray as a defensive weapon.
"So THAT'S the reason!" She laughed.
It seems that there had been a run on wasp spray at the hardware store. As a biologist, she couldn't figure it out, as Northern Florida has a normal supply of wasps and Yellow Jackets, but nothing of biblical proportions.
But is using wasp spray as a defensive weapon against muggers or rapists a good idea?
Now just about any caustic or irritating liquid sprayed into a person's eyes will make them cease and desist forthwith. Pressurized liquid oven cleaner ("People's MACE") was a great favorite of the Do it yourself Defense crowd some years ago. But what about wasp spray?
I checked out America's First Line of Defense against Urban Legend, www.snopes.com.
Snopes has serious reservations about the use of wasp spray as a mugger deterrent.
Leaving aside the effectiveness of the wasp spray, Snopes points out that its use may not be legal in certain jurisdiction (i.e. Michigan and other states that specify which defensive sprays can legally be used) AND you might be violating federal law by "Using the product for purposes not intended by the manufacturer," that is, zapping muggers not wasps.
Consider this scenario:
It is a dark and stormy night and you are accosted at a dimly lit street corner by Billy Smith, who produces a large screwdriver and demands your wallet. Instead of the wallet you produce your can of DOOM wasp spray and zap Billy in the eyes with a belt of DOOM. Billy's screams of agony attract attention, police are called. You remain, waiting for your Good Citizenship Award for taking a dangerous miscreant off the street.
Now, Rashomon-like, Billy's story to police and reporters is going to differ markedly from your version of the Truth.
This will be the headline of the story we Crusading Journalists will write:
NBA PROSPECT BLINDED BY PARANOID RECLUSE WIELDING NERVE POISON
"Billy Smith, former all state center, was returning from choir practice and on his way to repair his Grandmother's car when he made the mistake of saying "How ya Doing?" to John Jones, who immediately drew a can of wasp spray from beneath his rain coat, and without a word of explanation, emptied the powerful nerve poison into Smith's eyes.
Jones claimed that he "feared for his life". Jones neighbors describe him as a "loner" who "kept to himself" and on more than one occasion stated his fear of crime and criminals (We reporters get all those juicy quotes from your friendly neighbors; naturally the neighbors that don't like you, the ones you have had barking dog or property line issues with, will have the more colorful quotes about you; it is those that we will use.)
In addition to being tried in the media; the manufacturers of DOOM wasp killer will enter the case and not on your side. They are deeply interesting in avoiding a law suit and resulting damages. (They are the "Deep Pockets", the Holy Grail sought by tort claims lawyers.) Therefore, they will go at great lengths to point out that DOOM must NEVER, EVER not be used as directed on the container, pointing out that only a sadistic monster would spray DOOM on a fellow human being.
Just as you are beginning to feel a lot like Custer on a hot day in Montana, additional bad news arrives; it seems that the FBI is investigating your case as a possible hate crime.
Now if everything goes according to prosecution schedule, they will be piping daylight in to you until your 95th birthday.
So, what should you do?
Well, for starters, THUNDERBEAR as well as Snopes recommends that you not use wasp killer as a self-defense tool.
There are a number of self-defense pepper sprays out there that will produce the maximum discomfort and the minimum amount of permanent damage.
This is not because the manufacturers are Good Christians, but because they fear lawsuits like the Devil fears Holy Water. They will be more than willing to send expert witnesses to testify in your behalf that your use of their product was justifiable and had no lasting ill effects. They have spent considerable amount of research dollars in formulating a product that will get the job done and avoid successful tort claims.
For safety's sake, read the labels; use wasp spray on wasps and pepper spray on the bad guys.