POLITICAL APPOINTEE
The Bush administration has selected Paul Hoffman, former head of the Cody, Wyoming Chamber of Commerce, to be the Assistant Secretary of the Interior for Fish, Wildlife, and Parks.
So what is the Assistant Secretary in charge of?
Quite a bit. A large chunk of the public land in the U.S, as it turns out.
Mr. Hoffman oversees the National Park System and the Fish & Wildlife Service's refuges, hundreds of millions of acres of biodiversity.
This is truly an awesome responsibility. The domain of the Assistant Secretary stretches from tundra to tropics, it contains the highest and lowest points in America (Denali and Death Valley) as well as the largest and most varied of American wildlife.
So, therefore Mr. Hoffman must have an awesome resume, eclipsing that of such famous biologists as Harvard's E.O. Wilson or the Museum of Natural History's late lamented Stephen Jay Gould?
Not exactly.
Mr. Hoffman has a bachelor's degree in economics and has worked as a carpenter, bartender, and wilderness guide. He also has worked as a congressional aide to Dick Cheney (That seems to have been the tie breaker in Hoffman's selection.)
Now, neighbors, this is where prissy,sniveling liberal environmentalists start carping that political appointees are often not qualified for the job.
Need your editor remind these critics that Mr. Hoffman's job experience is exactly the same as that of Our Lord, Jesus Christ? (You didn't know that Christ was a bartender and wilderness guide as well as a carpenter? Remember the bartending episode at the Wedding at Cana. As for the wilderness guide episode, recall that Christ spent 40 days in the wilderness, seeking inspiration.)
In addition, it can be said that bartending may be considered a prerequisite for top jobs in the Department of Interior. Walter J. (Wally) Hickel, President Nixon's Secretary of the Interior, had been a bartender and a bouncer in a tough nightclub in Alaska. Your average bartender is a non-nonsense type who has heard all the excuses; exactly the kind of person you need to deal with recalcitrant lobbyists and Congressmen!
Mr. Hoffman seems to be a harmless cuss. He is known as a strong family man, a civic booster, Rotarian type, deeply religious, active in his church, and so on. One troubling thing is that he was photographed wearing a black cowboy hat in addition to the rest of the usual shitkicker costume. The black hat is an ominous sign as any connoisseur of Hollywood "B" Westerns can tell you.
As head of the Cody Chamber of Commerce, he opposed the reintroduction of wolves into Yellowstone (Would YOU want your town to be eaten by wolves?). He also opposed the attempt to ban snowmobiles in Yellowstone and campaigned for more development in the park.
This is all pretty normal for a gateway chamber of commerce chief (Hey, they don't hire these guys to do the sunrise bird walk!)
The important thing is that he doesn't know much about the job. This is to the advantage of the environment. Liberals and other "Good Government" types believe that a political appointee should know something about the resource that he/she is managing. Nothing could be farther from the truth! In resource management, knowledge and expertise can be incredibly destructive.
Consider the case of the U.S. Forest Service. According to law, the political appointee selected to run the Forest Service MUST be a graduate forester. In contrast, just about any amiable bumbling extrovert can be appointed Director of the National Park Service, provided of course, they are of the right political persuasion.
The Forest Service Chief, on the other hand, must be an Expert. He must rise through the ranks. He must be an expert in all aspects of his profession. Through training and experience, he knows what buttons to push and what levers to pull. Above all, he learns which of his work mates can be trusted to "get the job done"
The results of this well meaning law has been disaster. America's national forests have been "efficiently" strip mined for subsidized timber for decades, led by the aforementioned "experts".
The National Park System on the other hand, led by a series of amiable bumpkins with minimal knowledge of the resource, have flourished!
Unlike the national forests, the environmental fabric national parks are largely intact. Indeed, the boundaries of parks like Yellowstone, Mount Rainier and, Olympic can be determined not just by maps, but simply by looking down at them from an aircraft and observing the clear cuts right up to the park boundaries.
The problem is that in the Forest Service, the politically appointed Chief really IS the Chief. In the case of say, the National Park Service, the actual director is (or was) the amiable eminence grise, Deny Galvin.
Galvin had been around since the Grant administration first proposed the national park idea and Congress had gotten used to him. Galvin sort of resembles Abe Lincoln without the beard and with a Boston accent. Like Lincoln, he had a laconic, crisis defusing sense of humor that put people at ease. Congress was willing to put up with the most off the wall political appointee as long as they knew Galvin was around to trim the sails and keep the appointee from capsizing the bureaucracy.
Galvin was well aware that the political appointed Director had every right and indeed, duty, to transmit the political will of the president in the management of the National Parks. However, it was Galvin's job to preserve the parks by gently suggesting that some of the more outrageous proposals of the political appointee might be (a) illegal or (b) a public relations disaster.
Although Galvin has recently retired, it is probable that there are some moral equivalents thereof, who can "assist" the Director in policy and prevent disasters.
So why not simply dispense with a political appointee with more experience as a chamber of commerce flunkey than anything else, and promote on "merit" from within the Department of Interior.
As we have noticed in the case of the Forest Service, "merit" can be truly disastrous. (The Clinton administration finessed the "must hire a forester" rule, by appointing a USFS fisheries biologist who happened to graduate from a Forestry School. This was an end run around the chain saw mafia that is not likely to be repeated.)
Leaving "merit" aside, the political appointee, no matter how unversed in the agency, performs a valuable service in steering the agency in the direction that the President wishes it to go (If you don't like the particular course, perhaps you should have campaigned a bit more heartily for the opposition.)
However, there is one problem in regard to the political appointee. That problem is dullness.
Whether Democrat or Republican, the political appointee turns out to rather dull. Colorful characters apparently do not seek political appointment. The result is that most agencies have a long line of forgettable political appointees that require photographic portraits in the agency headquarters to remind the staff that they ever existed.
How can we remedy this deficiency?
Well, it can be suggested to the Democratic and Republican Central committees that only celebrities from the entertainment and professional sports fields be considered for the top jobs in the Department of Interior.
"WHAT! MOVIES STARS AND JOCKS RUNNING THE DEPARTMENT OF INTERIOR! THIS IS MADNESS!" You sputter in indignation!
Actually, when you think about it, the idea has merit. You see, the top jobs in Interior, like the top jobs in most organizations are best done by show business people and sports performers.
Indeed, when liberals complained that Ronald Reagan's background as an actor could not possibly prepare him for the Presidency of the United States, Reagan replied, with some justification, that an acting career is the ONLY possible preparation for the Presidency of the United States. (and Reagan is regarded even by some liberals as having been a pretty good president!).
Would Clint Eastwood make a good director of the Fish & Wildlife Service? Well, I don't know, but he would certainly garner more publicity for that agency than the current incumbent.
My fellow Republicans are likely to cry "foul" at the idea of Hollywood as a source for Interior Department political appointees as most movie stars are notoriously liberal.
There are some exceptions: Charleton Heston, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwartzenegger and Cameron Diaz are all reasonably devout Republicans.
Charleton Heston would bring a certain biblical majesty to the role of Secretary of the Interior. Bruce Willis could enliven the dullest seventh floor Interior meeting by crashing through the window and sliding the length of the conference table before taking his seat. Arnold Schwartznegger's trademark "I'LL BE BACK!" should strike terror into the most feckless division chief. Cameron Diaz is my hands on favorite for an Interior position as she refutes the canard that all Republicans are dog-ugly and old as trilobites. (She is of Miami-Cuban ancestry, which accounts for her political affiliation, unusual in a Hispanic) According to Ms Diaz "She loves animals and Nature". That would make her a likely candidate for Director of the National Park Service.
It is true that Republicans would find better pickings in professional sports, where millionaire athletes are to be found.
The off season hobbies of professional athletes, particularly baseball players, frequently involve nature, usually fishing and hunting, which would certainly fit the athlete for the position of Assistant Secretary for Fish, Wildlife & Parks.
"But aren't jocks dumb?" you ask, incredulously.
Not particularly. Anyone who gets and keeps 5 million dollars is not stupid. Athletes are often self-centered and focused on one thing to the exclusion of all else, a description that would fit many scientists, physicians, lawyers, and even politicians, but they are not stupid.
Indeed, some athletes are quite bright. I recall watching a TV interview of a basketball superstar. The guy doing the interviewing was, as usual, a White guy, one of those smarmy, sycophantic, jock worshippers that seem to infest TV sports broadcasting.
The guy being interviewed was, as usual, a large Black guy, impeccably dressed, poised, and possessing a commanding air.
What sort of intrigued me was that the Black guy was looking at the White guy with undisguised contempt as the White guy reeled off the usual inane cliches, comments and questions that sportscasters always do in sports interviews.
It seems that it was time for the playoffs and the Black guys team would eventually face the winner of the playoffs.
"I'll bet you're gonna be glued to the TV for the next few nights!" the sportscaster gushed.
"No." the superstar said, imperturbably.
"You aren't? the sportscaster replied with the hollow uncertainty that occurs when a rhetorical question is answered in the negative.
Like someone explaining the concept of sunrise and sunset to a slightly retarded child, the superstar responded:
"Look, basketball is a children's game for which I am paid an exceedingly large amount of money to play, but it is not what I really like to do and I certainly would not waste my time watching it on television."
The sportscaster looked like he had been pole axed. Here was a jock that was not only impudent, but blasphemous about basketball! The sportscaster did not know exactly how to proceed with the interview. What could he say to regain the initiative?
The sportscaster grinned nervously and asked "Well, what is it that you would rather do ?"
The superstar patiently replied that tomorrow he would be flying up to Alaska to spend two weeks doing what he really preferred to be doing: fishing and wildlife photography. Not unkindly, he suggested that a trip to Alaska would do the sportscaster a world of good. "There is nothing like Alaska in the world! You must do it! said the amiable Black giant with the fervor of a missionary.
"Well, um, yeah! I guess I'll have to, er, sometime! Thanks a lot! the sportscaster replied, desperately ending the interview.
Unfortunately, I did not get the name of the basketball player. This is a pity as he would have made a great candidate for Assistant Secretary of the Interior for Fish. Wildlife & Parks. He would have tremendous name recognition and built in prestige. The cause of parks & wildlife would be advanced and enhanced by his presence as Assistant Secretary!
On the other hand, I realized that the guy was probably unqualified: What with his basketball, fishing and wildlife photography, he probably had no experience as a bartender.
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
Without a doubt, the most popular series in THUNDERBEAR was "Raising Supervisors for Fun and profit". The series was put together in one issue (#169 October,1994 and folks frequently ask if they can get a copy as they have been asked to do a talk or seminar on Supervision (One of the weak points of NPS management.)
Therefore, to save postage and keep up with the electronic age, I am putting "Rasing Supervisors" on the web, so you can access it at your leisure. It is still copyrighted and if you do use in your talk, please credit THUNDERBEAR and inform your audience that they can achieve even more enlightenment by logging on to www.workingnet.com/thunderbear on a regular basis.
So here it is. Enjoy!
RAISING SUPERVISORS FOR FUN AND PROFIT
Many NPS `staffers , casting about for a leisure time hobby that is both pleasurable and potentially profitable, have asked THUNDERBEAR for advice about such a hobby. We advise against raising earthworms or chinchillas as the market is overcrowded and there is the possibility of fraud. Instead we suggest raising supervisors.
While it is true that Supervisor raising is one of the most interesting and rewarding hobbies know to man, it is not as easy as it looks! The beginning supervisor raiser must invest considerable time and effort! To reduce learning time we have put together answers to the most commonly asked questions in supervisor raising.
Q. IS IT TRUE THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TRAIN A SUPERVISOR?
A. Not true! Properly motivated and treated kindly, a supervisor can be taught to roll over, jump through a hoop, count to four and write you a good performance evaluation.
Q. IS IT TRUE THAT SUPERVISORS CANNOT BE HOUSEBROKEN?
A. Not true! You have undoubtably heard an unskilled trainer complain that his supervisor "craps on me constantly!" This is normally the fault of the trainer NOT the supervisor.
Supervisors are high strung creatures and if they are placed in a situation where it feels it will be criticized or blamed for something, uncontrolled diarrhea will result and everyone in range will get crapped on. It must be emphasized that this a defense mechanism only, and should not dissuade one from acquiring a supervisor.
Q. IS IT TRUE THAT SUPERVISORS ARE VICIOUS AND UNPREDICTABLE?
A. Not true! You have probably heard stories of trainers who have entered the supervisor's office before the supervisor was entirely awake, startled it, and were seriously injured. Again, remember that the supervisor is a nervous beast and should not be startled. The experienced trainer usually enters the office whistling and laughing, with a few tidbits of the supervisor's favorite good news, which he feeds it while stroking it and repeating such phrases as "Atta boy!", "Good fellow" etc. After a few minutes of this, the supervisor can be led out of the office for the day's training.
Q. IS THERE A MARKET FOR SUPERVISORS?
A. YES! The market for good supervisors is far, far better than that for earthworms, chinchillas, rabbits or even Angora goats. There is great demand in both government and the private sector. You will find that you will have no problem at all in disposing of your surplus supervisors. ( You will be pleased to find that they reproduce easily and rapidly!)
RAISING AND EXHIBITING SUPERVISORS AS A 4-H PROJECT
Yes, boys and girls! You can earn a merit badge by raising, exhibiting and marketing your supervisor! You will learn the sense of accomplishment and responsibility that comes with successful supervisor management, cost analysis, and finding the best feed for the prize winning supervisor, plus exhibit tips from the experts.
First of all, you must remember that supervisor raising is a business. Supervisors are not pets. We realize that you may become quite fond of your supervisor after spending months feeding, training and grooming him/her but when it comes time to market your supervisor, you must be business-like and unemotional.
Most supervisors are marketed at various regional Superintendent and Chief Ranger conferences that are held throughout the year, so be prepared!
Q. WHAT ARE THE CRITERIA USED FOR JUDGING SUPERVISORS?
A. There is a point system. The judges award points for overall blandness and general non-controversiality. For example, the supervisor will be asked to tell two timid, risque, sexist jokes to an audience of Rotarians. The results are measured on a chuckle meter. There must no be too many or too few chuckles. The supervisor will be asked to perform the Standard Tightrope Test. He/She will then walk a tight rope stretched between two irreconcilable groups. Points will be taken away if he/she leans toward either group. Next is the so-called quick silver press release exercise in which the supervisor is given points for the most ambiguous press release with the most escape clauses.
Q. MY SUPERVISOR IS SALLOW, DULL-EYED , WITH HAIR COMING OUT IN PATCHES. I HAD PLANNED TO EXHIBIT HIM NEXT MONTH AT A CHIEF RANGERS CONFERENCE AND HE WON'T EVEN COME OUT OF HIS OFFICE! WHAT IS WRONG AND WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
A. That looks like a clear case of Supervisor burnout. Prognosis is good if treated in time. Your supervisor will require a morning fun run and lots of strokes. it should be fed a high energy mash composed of 30% blarney, 60% flattery, and 10% good news. Good luck!
Q. CAN TWO OR MORE SUPERVISORS BE SHIPPED IN THE SAME VEHICLE?
A. Yes, but ONLY if the pecking order has been established. If the supervisors are at the same grade level and/or the pecking order has NOT been established they will invariable get into a destructive argument over who is to do what whom and cause the vehicle to run off the road, ruining your investment.
Q. IS IT NECESSARY TO WATCH WHAT MY SUPERVISOR EATS WHEN I EXHIBIT HIM AT THE NEXT CONFERENCE?
A. No, but it is necessary to watch what he/she drinks. Experienced supervisor raisers state that a supervisor can smell free alcohol through a closed door three floors away, and in extreme cases, have been known to break the door down. It is a weakness of the breed. Once into alcohol, they will drink till they founder themselves. This results in several stages: (a) Public Spectacles (b) Disgrace to the Service, and (c) Stopped traffic. An ounce of prevention is worth a quart of cure, but if you can catch your supervisor at the "Public Spectacle" stage, you can sometimes deter him by telling him you will videotape his antics and send the cassette to his wife.
Q. MY MOTHER TELLS ME THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF EMPLOYEES AND THAT THERE WILL BE NO DEMAND FOR SUPERVISORS AND THAT SUPERVISOR RAISING IS A GYP! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
A. Your mother is incorrect. Government may be reduced, but anyone who believes the number of supervisors will do anything but increase is either a maniac or has not read Parkinson's Law.
SUPERVISOR RAISING AND THE FEMALE SUPERVISOR TRAINER
A number of young women who are considering training and exhibiting supervisors have written and asked what sex supervisor should be considered for the first time woman trainer.
Actually, when all is said and done, there is not great difference in temperament between the buck supervisor and the doe supervisor. The prospective female supervisor trainer should not let rumors and old wives' tales she has heard about difficulties with buck supervisors prevent her from acquiring one.
Experience has shown that a woman can train a buck supervisor as well as anyone and that a number of buck supervisors trained by women have won blue ribbons and other awards at regional conferences and other events. The young women trainers of course allude to the very real problem of buck supervisor becoming overly attentive and affectionate toward the trainer. Most colleges of veterinary medicine believe that this problem is a case of arrested adolescence in the adult buck supervisor. Fortunately, it is relatively rare and can be cured by behavior modification if caught in time. The trainer must first be aware of supervisor psychology (The old saw "in order to train a supervisor, you've got to know more than the supervisor" is a bit of animal husbandry folk wisdom that has a great deal of truth in it!)
First of all, the supervisor is almost human, but not quite. You must not allow your judgement to be clouded when your supervisor is (apparently) able to perform a number of human acts that require both intelligence and compassion. This is merely acquired response behavior and does not necessarily indicate intelligence.
The buck supervisor is particularly good at mimicking certain phrases of human speech. For example, the buck supervisor may attempt to corner an unwary or inattentive woman trainer in a office and say the phrases "I love you!" and "My wife doesn't understand me" and "We have a marriage in name only". Now the buck supervisor does not really understand any of these human words any more than a parrot understands "Polly wants a cracker!" Like the parrot, the buck supervisor has learned to associate certain sounds with certain rewards. Usually, this behavior will disappear if there is no outward response on the part of the woman trainer. If the buck supervisor continues to be aggressively affectionate, behavior modification will be required.
First of all, we must point out that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When dealing with a large, bulky creature such as a buick supervisor, particularly one that is only "green broke" as the saying goes, it is best to have plenty of help at hand. Do not take your supervisor on solitary training walks on lonely trails. Studies have shown that such environments alone may trigger the aggressive affection response in an otherwise docile and tractable supervisor.
Now let us say that though you have observed all normal precautions, your buck supervisor has maneuvered you into a lonely corner (As I have pointed out, while supervisors are not intelligent in the human sense of the word, they exhibit an animal cunning that continues to amaze behaviorists!) The supervisor may state his admiration and support for your hair, eyes, and other parts of your physiognamy in increasing order of intimacy.
Behavior modification will now be required. Grasp a rolled up newspaper, government report, or other soft, worthless object and bop the supervisor on the nose or forehead, while stating firmly "Down, Boy!" normally, this will stop the aggressive affectionate behavior and will elicit the phrase "I don't know what came over me!" on the part of the buck supervisor. You may now forget the incident and resume training.
However, in certain instances, this method does not work and the buck supervisor will actually seize you. This can be a potentially hazardous situation and calls for extreme behavior modification. Place you left hand firmly on the outside of the supervisor's right shoulder and the right hand on the outside of the supervisor's left shoulder. Now bring your right knee up hard and fast until it is stopped by resistance. Now step back and observe. If you have performed this behavior modification correctly, your buck supervisor will be bending over at about a 90 degree angle imitating a gold fish. That is, his eyes will be bulging out of this head and his mouth will be opening and closing soundlessly. After a few moments, he will begin to say such thing as "EEEYAGG!" It is best to conclude the training for the day and leave.
Normally, extreme behavior modification is required only once. There have been reports of a very, very few cases in which the next day, the buck supervisor again approached the woman trainer and asked "yesterday was an accident, wasn't it? Repeat the behavior modification maneuver (extreme) to indicate that no, it wasn't an accident.
Behaviorists point with pride that there is very little recidivism into affectionate aggression on the part of buck supervisors after receiving behavior modification. Studies indicate that the only real cases of regression occur at parties, superintendents' conferees and other functions where alcohol, that bane of supervisor raising, is occasionally found. Under the influence of alcohol, the buck supervisor might make a wild grab at a passing female. Normally, the supervisor trainer need only say in a firm, quiet voice, "Now we don't want to make any "EEEYAGGS"! in front of all these people , do we? This will sober up the supervisor and get him back on the straight and narrow.
The prospective young woman supervisor trainer should not deprive herself of the confidence and satisfaction that comes from training and exhibiting a prize winning supervisor simply because of the alleged difficulty in training the buck supervisor.
REHABILITATING THE ABUSED SUPERVISOR
Yes, boys and girls! The day that you have been eagerly awaiting has finally come! Your new supervisor has arrived! For weeks you have been speculating about what the new supervisor will be like. Will the supervisor be up to your expectations? Will it meet the criteria of the rest of the supervisor trainers?
Now the moment of truth as arrived! UPS has deposited the crate containing your new supervisor in the visitor center lobby. The natural instinct is to rush forward, pry open the crate and be the first to greet the new supervisor. Careful! Safety First! Many young supervisor trainers have been seriously injured when they attempted premature friendship with a strange supervisor. Caution is the rule of the game. Carefully and gently open the crate one board at a time.
DO NOT put your hand into the crate! You may not get it back.
Allow an escape route for yourself and other supervisor trainers if the new supervisor should prove vicious or unmanageable.
Allow the supervisor to climb out of the crate by itself. Allow it time to adjust to its new environment. Normally there will be no problem. Supervisors are generally a happy, good natured breed, and in a few moments you will find your supervisor will be happily slobbering over the staff, licking the face of each and every one of you. You are mutually delighted, and a long and happy relationship is foreseen by all!
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Due to budgetary cuts, Region or WASO may not have had the funds to recondition your new supervisor properly. (It is understood that all supervisors are issued in a used condition, but it is important that they have been subjected only to the normal wear and tear of government service and have not been abused.)
Q. HOW CAN A SUPERVISOR TRAINER SPOT THE ABUSED SUPERVISOR AND BEGIN REMEDIAL ACTION?
A. Identification is the easy part. The abused supervisor can be easily identified by its negative reaction to virtually everything ranging from the weather to your regional accent.
For example, your new supervisor might erupt from its crate like Godzilla, snarl and glower at the assembled staff, demand to be shown its office and all the fiscal printouts and not be seen again for three days, until it orders each staff member into its office for a personal dressing down. You will find that virtually everything the supervisor suggests or asks for has a negative bias.
A common symptom of the abused supervisor is his/her statement that "They (or region) sent me down here to shape this place up" Now this is patently untrue. A quick check of the NPS roster will reveal that there is no such person as a Mr. "They" of a Ms. Region" on the NPS payroll.
It is true that there are real, live people who work for the NPS. it is only human nature that you should be tempted to ask for a signed memorandum from one of the above people attesting to the fact that they indeed want your park "shaped up". Even though it is a human response, do not succumb to it! This will only reinforce the abused supervisor's fondly held belief that its entire career, even Life itself, consists of one long sinister plot against it.
Another negative trait is to review the performance evaluation of each employee, omitting any positive comments but dwelling lovingly on the negative aspects of everyone's evaluation and demanding to see immediate improvement.
Again, it is only human nature to suggest that since the system in its wisdom has seen fit to share your evaluation with your new supervisor for counseling purposes, it seems only efficient that your new supervisor trot out his own last three evaluations so that you as a subordinate can be inspired and enlightened by your supervisor's step by step conquests of its OWN deficiencies. Even though it is only fair do not suggest the above. You will be immediately marked down as sassy, uppity and insubordinate.
You will find that the most terrifying negative trait of the abused supervisor is that of Catch 22 Negativism. That is, everything is wrong with the park and staff, but nothing can be corrected because the abused supervisor tried your solution back in Yellowstone and it didn't work. However, someone must be punished. The Almighty wills it.
Again, you must control your desire to observe out loud that anything proposed by this supervisor had about as much chance for acceptance as Frankenstein opening a day care center.
The abused supervisor does have one grotesquely positive trait. In virtually every park there is one staff member who is regarded with suspicion and mistrust by other staff members for rumor mongering back biting. The abused supervisor will vector in on this person with a single mindedness of a bot fly locating a dead elk. They will become as inseparable as Dick and Jane. They will exchange significant glances at staff meetings and have innumerable closed door conferences discussing the negative aspects of the rest of the staff.
Q. WHAT CAUSES THE ABUSED SUPERVISOR SYNDROME?
A. Generally, it's a case of lots of stick and not very much carrot starting a very early age, with abuse masquerading "discipline" or "character building."
Now most supervisors who want positive results rather than a negative reputation, chucked fear induction as a management tool before their first supervisory assignment, but something in the character of the abused supervisor glome onto the idea of providing grief as a natural product of the supervisory process.
Q. CAN THE ABUSED SUPERVISOR BE REHABILITATED?
A. Unfortunately, it is much easier to identify the abused supervisor than to cure the beast. In your anger and frustration, you may wish to ship the critter back to Region, or in an extreme case, have the poor creature put to sleep. Do not succumb to these negative temptations! The abused supervisor can be rehabilitated.
Unfortunately, the therapy consists of a long, grueling period of positive reinforcement in which negativism on the part of anyone in the park will be immediately canceled by positive input. For example, if the abused supervisor complains that it is raining, tell it that a rainy day makes hot spiced tea taste that much better and immediately provide positive reinforcement by pouring everyone a cup of hot spiced tea from a thermos that you carry on a rainy day, knowing that the abused supervisor will inevitably complain.
Landslides that block park roads must be viewed as training exercises in which the abused supervisor will get its picture in the local paper, telling how the supervisor plans to use the park's cadre of experts to aid the community in the event of disaster. So, short of a chain saw massacre, every disaster or negative comment must be treated as having some positive value. Now we realize that all this sweetness and light is going to be hard on you, but we never said that abused supervisor rehabilitation was going to be easy. We realize that constant grinning at everyone like Moonies at an airport is going to be an incredible grind, but recognize that you are trying to undo years of supervisor abuse with positive reinforcement.
Remember two things! There is no such thing as a bad supervisor, only an abused one, and most importantly, you as a supervisor trainer are smarter than the supervisor. So grin and go for it!
CARING FOR THE RABID SUPERVISOR
Yes, boys and girls, the key to the successful raising and marketing of supervisors is to insure the health of your supervisor. There is a very large market for healthy, obviously well cared for supervisors, but there is no market whatsoever for sick or mistreated supervisors. As the market for supervisors' hides is negligible, a dead supervisor is not even worth skinning, so it behooves you to keep your supervisor in the best of health until it is time to market it.
Of all the ailments that afflict supervisors, we find that supervisorial rabies is the one most feared by supervisor raisers due to its frequency of occurrence and the possibility of risk to the supervisor raiser. Unlike other forms of rabies, supervisorial rabies is almost never fatal. Many veterinarians suggest that this indicates a link between supervisors and reptiles, as cold-blooded creatures also appear able to survive rabies.
Supervisorial rabies can be broken down into two broad classifications: The first being DUMB, or RETIREMENT RABIES This particular form of supervisorial rabies is believed to be genetically encoded. At any rate, it sets in before the supervisoršs retirement (Sometimes as early as a decade before the actual date of retirement) The symptoms are a remarkable desire for physical or mental inactivity. The subject will mutter "short timer" as a warming if disturbed (A number of supervisor owners have written me to state they were seriously bitten or mauled when they asked a dumb rabid supervisor to make a decision. While I am sympathetic, I can only suggest that the supervisor owner should have known better than to provoke a dumb rabid supervisor.)
The second most common form is AGGRESSIVE SUPERVISORIAL RABIES. In this form, the rabid supervisor is actively aggressive. There are several vectors in the transmission of this form of supervisorial rabies, but the most common source of infection seems to be NPS management courses. During these one or two week courses, herds of supervisors from all over the nation are confined in one room and lectured on how to increase the productivity of their staff while simultaneously reducing the grade, pay and benefits of that staff. This leads to frustration and susceptibility to the rabies virus. The returning supervisor should be immediately inspected for symptoms of Aggressive Supervisorial Rabies. Common indications re:
- AN UNSMILING COUNTENANCE WITH NEWLY FIRM JAW LINE. (May mutter "I'm going to shape 'em up this time.")
- GLOSSOLALIA, OR SPEAKING IN TONGUES. In this case, buzz words and other jargon disgorged by students of Japanese business methods.
- MONITORING. (With or without a stop-watch.) Rabid supervisor will try to see if you can't perform CPR in less time, or failing that, on more than one heart attack victim in the same time span, thereby increasing your rate of production. Also, your manner of walking, talking, and growing hair will be monitored (to see if some improvement could be made.) Incoming phone calls and e mails will be monitored. This is not a dead loss as it will require healthful exercise of the old creativity neurons on your part if you happen to get a personal call on the company phone ( "Yes, indeed, Professor Carlson, I fee that we should indeed meet at my house this evening to discuss the taxonomic problems caused by hybridization among the California oaks, if you bring the field notes, I'll provide the slide projector. This should be a real breakthrough in park research!"
- ECCENTRIC OLD COOT ECONOMIES. You remember reading about police finding some weird old duffer who saved so much string that the ball of string finally grew so heavy it crashed through the floor of his apartment.
The rabid supervisor will proceed to operate pretty much on that line. You will sign out for pens and pencils, waste paper baskets will be checked for waste paper. There will be rotating guard duty assignments on the xerox machine to prevent its use for recipes and anti-administration jokes. The clock will be taken down from the wall as time in money and the supervisor will want to guard it.
The administrative officer will be asked to do his sums on the back of a wooden coal shovel like young Abraham Lincoln and read a newspaper clipping that states that, in some cases, a Chineseabacus is faster than a computer, etc etc.
While there is no "rabies season" the end of the fiscal year is a notoriously dangerous time of the year when supervisor vigor is low and the beast is stressed (End of Fiscal year stress for supervisors is very much like mid winter stress on Yellowstone Elk or mid summer stress on Assateague ponies) A supervisor who becomes rabid during End of Fiscal year Stress is likely to become dangerously unmanageable, snapping at everyone around it and capable of inflicting serious injury on supervisor raisers, particularly if the rabid supervisor must take time out from its paranoia to do a performance evaluation on the supervisor trainer.
Q. WHAT IS THE TREATMENT FOR SUPERVISORIAL RABIES?
A. Unfortunately, like most viruses, science has not come up with a cure for supervisorial rabies , nor is there yet an effective vaccine. Fortunately, as previously noted , supervisorial rabies is never fatal to the supervisor and is dangerous to the supervisor raiser only if he/she comes within range during the periodic spasms of rage. You will find that the symptoms will gradually decline and the supervisor will gradually slip back into its old habits. you may then resume training.
MARKETING YOUR SUPERVISOR
Sooner or later, it comes time to market your supervisor. This is an emotional time for all concerned. You have raised your supervisor from a weak, helpless creature into the huge, sleek, sturdy beast that will command top dollar on the supervisor market. You're rightfully proud of yourself.
It is only natural that you should feel a bond of attachment for your supervisor and regret the need to market the beast, but this is one of the tests of raising supervisors for fun and profit. Generally speaking, supervisors do not make good pets. The feed bill will be huge and some people find the smell objectionable. It is unlikely that your mother will let you keep it in the backyard. You must therefore face reality and be prepared to market your mature supervisor.
How does one know when the supervisor has reached maturity? Aside from size, sleekness, brightness of coat and eye, there is one sure sign. Sooner or later, your supervisor will stretch, rub its tummy happily, grin, and say "I KNOW EVERYTHING!" The supervisor is now ready for market.
We realize that it seems only yesterday that you were telling the supervisor that No, the imprest fund is not the same as the coffee fund, that No, auditors look askance at borrowing a little something from the cooperating association cash drawer to tide one over till payday; that No, one cannot order personal furniture out of the GSA catalog even if it is great bargain, and that taking the government pickup across the Mexican border for a rum run is an enterprise fraught with danger.
You must realize that your supervisor, while perhaps not knowing everything is now ready for market and unless marketed promptly, it will become restless, cranky and irritable, a total drag on your operation.
How then do you go about marketing your supervisor? First of all there is the want ad section of newspapers specializing in supervision. Such an ad might read: FOR SALE: Supervisor, White male, 232 pounds, office broke, gentle around subordinates, patient, even-tempered, does not abuse sick leave, jogs 5 miles per day, excellent health, can be observed at (name of your park) price negotiable.
However, most supervisor trading is done through word of mouth and regional meetings. It is therefore absolutely vital that you prep our supervisor with as good an image as possible.
You must resist the very human tendency of supervisor raisers to bad mouth their stock. Do NOT call other supervisor raisers and say "Let me tell you what my clown did today!" Such information will inevitably get to supervisor traders and they will rightly conclude that you and your supervisor deserve each other and you will never be separated.
Instead, Think positive! ALWAYS see that your supervisor is brushed and curried before admitting the working press or worse yet, the television media. If the supervisor is absent mindedly wearing one jogging shoe and one uniform shoe, tactfully point this out to the supervisor.
Help your supervisor perfect The Talk. The Talk, you will remember, is a universal address (with slides or Powerpoint) that, due to its fine-honed blandness, can be presented to either the local Rotarians or the local Communist party cell. The Talk is normally introduced with a selection from ten mildly off-color , but non-racist and non-exist jokes you have talked your supervisor into memorizing without forgetting the punch line.
See that your supervisor is the star of at least ten fail-safe media events. Get you supervisor to come out against a disease!
If your supervisor claims to be a gifted cook (and this a common failing among supervisors) get the local media to do a story on this hobby as in SUPERVISOR (name) SHARES SECRETS OF HIS CALIFORNIA CONDOR CACCIATORE RECIPE!
If your supervisor is a black powder shooting enthusiast, do not let this stone go unturned. It is true that with the possible exception of Daniel Boone himself, there is no white middle-class male that does not look bizarre wearing a coonskin cap complete with tail. However, reporters and news photographers, not to mention TV love this costume as in SUPERVISOR (NAME) INAUGURATES PIONEER BLACK POWDER SHOOT, and unless your supervisor has the misfortune to shoot the governor , it is surefire positive publicity
We must now talk about negative publicity. It goes without saying that everything in the press , radio or television concerning your supervisor must read like advance publicity for the Second Coming. There must be no adverse publicity. This means that there must be adequate supervision of supervisors by supervisor raisers if they're serious about marketing their charges. One tragic example will suffice.
A number of years ago, the State Foresters of the United States held their annual convention in a southern state. The convention site happened to be located near the state trout hatchery. Naturally, as the State Foresters boasted a fair number of good ol' boys and naturally as more and more alcohol was consumed, the idea of a two o clock in the morning fish fry seemed to look like a meritorious proposition. Ulnfortunatley the cyclone fence surrounding the fish hatchery was topped by a wire that triggered a silent alarm. Equally unfortunate, the local sheriff's department took their time getting there and the fish fry was well along when the sheriff arrived. Triply unfortunate, a news photographer had seen fit to come along. The result was a sort of photographic classic somewhat resembling the Last Supper as performed by Willie Nelson, and Waylon and the Boys. Quadruply unfortunate, it was a slow news day and the photo and news story got out on the wire services.
As a result, months if not years of supervisor rising were ruined by the simple failure to send along a chaperon to see that everyone was tucked into bed a reasonable hour.
Remember the, the three rules of successful supervisor raising
NEVER CRITICIZE, ALWAYS PUBLICIZE, AND DON'T LET THEM OUT WITHOUT A LEASH!
SAFETY MESSAGE: "AN UNWATCHED POT ALWAYS BOILS"
Now neighbors, much of safety management is common sense: If something tends to burn you, crush you, or blow you up, then don't do it.
This simple safety rule is often overruled in the name of "can't be bothered" or "having other things to do". This means taking shortcuts, usually disastrous.
One common, homely disaster is cooking water for instant coffee or soup. You put the kettle on the fire and then go off to do something else, the "going off" is the part that can get you into trouble.
Something always comes up that masked your good intentions, until, with horror, you return to the kettle or pot, which is now glowing cherry red and has welded itself to the burner. That is the scenario if you are lucky. It can be much worse.
You can stop this scenario by simply not doing it.
It seems that there have been vast improvements in water cooking since the first paleolithic lady found out how to boil water.
In the last ten years, I have gone through about five tea kettles of various cost and design. My wife voted for a change. No more tea kettles. I could either drop heated stones into a pottery bowl full of water, or I could find something else.
The "something else" turned out to be an electric water boiler. It is purposely designed for the absent minded. It shuts itself off when the water begins to boil, so it cannot boil dry. It cannot be turned on if there is no water in it. It has a window in it so you can see (as well as hear) the water boiling. It holds between one and seven cups, enough to satisfy most boiling water enthusiasts. Best of all, it is almost instantaneous, with boiling water at the flick of a thumb, eliminating the reason for wandering away from the slow boiling tea kettle (and disaster) in the first place. It has the added advantage of being more energy efficient in churning out the old BTU's and thus marginally improving the environment.
There are a number of these gadgets on the market, the best one seem to run around $40 at your friendly discount store. The one by Braun is particularly good.
If a lot of safety is common sense, then this gadget is a pretty good sixth sense.