THE THUNDERBEAR SHINGLE, SIDING & TILE COMPANY
Now neighbors, most of you have contemplated what you will do upon retirement. Some of you will join the Peace Corps to help suffering humanity and emerging nations. Others will go to developing countries to assist the struggling national parks and nature reserves of these less fortunate nations. Still others will remain in this country to seek environmental justice for those of our citizens still trapped in pockets of poverty.
As for myself, I plan to become filthy rich.
The reason I am telling you this is that I need your help.
First, a little background. You will remember that the president has reneged on his campaign promise to reduce the emission of "greenhouse" gases. Aside from predictably increasing the emission of sniveling from professional liberal whiners and do-gooders, the president's decision may actually adversely affect the world's climate.
To what extent is not presently known. There will be some "good" effects as well as some definitely bad effects. The growing season will be lengthened in the Northern hemisphere. Shipping will benefit. Canadian farmers will be able to ship their wheat more cheaply and conveniently from Fort Churchill on Hudson Bay than the present convoluted route through the Great Lakes and the St. Lawrence Seaway. Conversely, the famed polar bears of Fort Churchill will be hard pressed as they require sea ice as a platform on which to hunt their main food, seals.
The sea route between Europe and Asia will be shortened by thousands of miles and millions of dollars as ships will be able to use the Arctic Sea over the top of Russia and down through the Bering Strait rather than the present tedious trip through the North Atlantic and Pacific. There will be a concurrent increase in danger to the fragile arctic coast due to oil spills.
As usual, the main losers will be those with a very small margin of error in the race for survival. That is, the lands and peoples of the developing world. Few right thinking people would mind if such sin bins as New Orleans and Miami went under due to a sea rise caused by global warming, but the truth is, they can afford sea walls to protect themselves. Not so in the case of Bangladesh, a few feet above sea level, with 80 million people on board. It will require a global effort to supply them with a sea wall (and the Dutch will ask to be excused as they will be having problems of their own). Australia, as a developed nation will be able to cope, though it may lose part or all of its greatest natural treasure, the Great Barrier Reef, as the corals will not be able to grow fast enough to cope with the changes in water depth. Indeed, small coral atoll nations such as the Maldives and Tuvalu will cease to exist.
However, the problem of rising oceans pales in comparison with yet another threat posed by a global change in climate. This ultimate threat would be the possible failure of the monsoons of Southeast Asia. As the monsoons are the agricultural engine of nearly half of human kind, any major change in the monsoon pattern would indeed be catastrophic.
So it is small wonder that they're selling George Bush Jr dart boards in the United Nations gift shop.
But is "Dubya" and the good ol' USA getting a bum rap?
Partially. Although "Developed countries such as the US are supposed to reduce their emissions of "greenhouse gases" by 7% "Developing" countries are told to feel free to fire up the barbecue with a billion tons of fossil fuel, the sky being literally the limit. The reason given is that they are "poor" and need to "catch up." (There is a curious--and deadly superstition shared by both Greedhead Republicans and socialists that the protection of nature and the environment is some sort of effete luxury that can be enjoyed only after one has made one's pile or "caught up." The Soviet Union destroyed its environment, (and itself) "catching up".
Secondly, though it is true that while we are only 6% of the world's population and produce a hefty part of the world's "Greenhouse gases", thanks to the sainted founder of the Bullmoose Party, Theodore Roosevelt, we have immense forests. As you know, forests need the greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide in order to grow.(However, they definitely do not need acid rain).
President Bush has asked that we be given credit for our CO2 eating forests against our greenhouse gas debit. (There now, you didn't know "Dubya" was a tree hugger did you? Maybe even a closet Bullmoose? I expect any day now that "Dubya" will announce suspension of logging in the Tongass and recreational use only in the Rocky Mountain Region of the US Forest Service, because after all, you can't have it both ways.)
At any rate, the United Nations is not buying the image of George Bush jr as Smokey the Bear. It looks like, forests or no forests, there is going to be international pressure for the USA to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 7%. Is that fair? Probably not.
Can we achieve it without lowering our standard of living?
Yup! and probably reduce greenhouse gas by 12% and improve our standard of living at the same time.
"But how is this possible!" you ask incredulously.
Well now, neighbors, this is where the Thunderbear Shingle, Siding & Tile comes in.
You see, until very recently, roofs, walls, and sidewalks were sort of a necessary evil; they didn't do much, they took up space and used up resources. To be sure, the roof kept the rain off you, and the walls held up the roof and prevented your neighbor from observing you in the shower or stealing your VCR, and the sidewalk kept the mud off your ankles. That is about it, when you think about it, roofs and walls are a net economic loss.
However, we at Thunderbear Shingle, Siding & Tile plan to put your lazy roofs, walls, and sidewalks to work! For you!
We are referring to our product, photovoltaic shingles, siding and tiles for sidewalks and driveways. With your photovoltaic system in place, your home will not only be your castle, but also your powerplant.
Now we are a conservative company and we do not make extravagant claims. You will not be able to put Mothra Power & Light out of business, but instead of being a supplicant, you will be in chummy partnership with them. In certain seasons or days, you will buy power from them (always much less than you currently purchase) and in certain seasons or days, you will sell them your surplus electricity.
The source of photovoltaic power is of course, the sun; a resource that our fossil fuel competitors have not found a way to either meter or destroy. Therefore, unlike say, Pacific Gas & Electric, Thunderbear Shingle, Siding, & Tile can guarantee its power source.
Our main problem is the photovoltaic cell itself. We need a bit more Research & Development to increase each cell's efficiency so as to be cost effective. In the case of the photovoltaic tiles, we need to harden the physical package, so the tiles can be occasionally walked or driven on for use on sidewalks and home driveways. (The photovoltaic superhighway is out of the question for the foreseeable future due to heavy wear and tear on the surface, plus the fact that at any given time, much of the surface is occupied by impermeable automobiles). We must also investigate the photovoltaic window. As the window will not be quite transparent, it may be limited to use in skyscrapers where some tinting or loss of light in considered desirable.
We also need a national inventory of "blonk". What is "blonk? Well neighbors, that is a word I just made up to describe all the currently wasted man made surfaces exposed to the sun. (No, we don't plan to cover the cliffs of Yosemite with photovoltaic cells to power the bar at the Ahwahnee hotel!) "Blonk" is all the walls and roofs of all non-historic structures in America (No, we don't plan to cover the Washington Monument with photovoltaic cells to run the elevator!) "Blonk" is also man made surfaces you may not have considered; such as the faces of power dams like Hoover and Glen Canyon (A little irony, there, neighbors!) We do need to know how much "blonk" is out there and how much is projected to be built in order to figure how much photovoltaic electricity can be produced.
"Hmmm, blonk inventory, you say. Is this thing gonna be compulsory?" You ask, suspiciously.
No, we are Bullmoose Republicans, remember? We also realize this is America and that a certain portion of the populace is going to be anti-photovoltaic and pro-blonk. ("Aint nobody gonna put photovoltaic sidin' on MY trailer, not while I have this yere shotgun!") Outfitting your "blonk" with photovoltaic shingles and siding will be completely voluntary, and motivated by self interest, and, dare we say, common sense.
In addition to the photovoltaic program being completely voluntary, we at Thunderbear Shingle, Siding & Tile would like to categorically state that sunlight is not a United Nations plot.
"You mentioned something about Research & Development: How much will you need?" You ask, again suspiciously.
You remember that trillion dollar surplus? We will need some of it. Not all of it, mind you. President Bush will still have some left for his education program, but we will need a substantial amount.
"But isn't this a subsidy"? you ask, indignantly.
Indeed yes! It will be one of the largest subsidies in U.S. history, surpassing the farm program (but not that of the military-industrial complex), but it will provide energy independence, not only for the nation, but for the individual consumer. We will still burn some oil and coal for power, but the amount will be relatively small. Pollution will be reduced exponentially. You will be able to "see into tomorrow" in the American Southwest for the first time in generations. In addition, we will have a technology that we can sell or give to people in the "Developing World" where sunshine is the only thing in abundant supply. We will be heros! (Naturally, we at Thunderbear Shingle, Siding & Tile prefer the "sell" idea; we are still Bullmoose Republican, remember!) "But it's still a subsidy!" you state, stubbornly.
Of course it is! (We Bullmoose pride ourselves on being up front!) but consider the subsidies being offered to our competitors in the fossil fuel industries (The original greenhouse kids!) Senator Frank Murkowsky (R. Alaska) will introduce a bill that will provide subsidies for "marginal" oil and gas producers so they can develop technology to wring a little bit more fossil fuel out of finite (and nearly depleted) oil fields. (This reminds me of that tribe of Siberian nomads who brightened their stark existence by eating hallucinogenic mushrooms collected in the forest. As there was only a finite amount of mushrooms, the nomads hit upon the idea of drinking their urine, which contained traces of the hallucinogen, to extend the jag just a little bit longer. This is pretty much what we're doing with fossil fuels.)
How much of a subsidy for oil companies ? Well, according to some analysts, the proposed bill will provide $16.35 billion in subsidies to "marginal" oil and gas producers. Is this fair? If Frank says it is, then it is. Murkowski never lies.
According to Frank, "This is no bailout. There is no identifiable benefits to Big Oil. Big Oil doesn't need it. It had a record year." (See, I told you, Frank never lies!)
Now, buckaroos, what sort of interests us at Thunderbear Shingle, Siding, and Tile is the term "Marginal".
"Marginal" implies companies that are just starting out, that are full of hope and promise, but are just a wee bit short on cash. That description fits Thunderbear Shingle, Siding, & Tile to a tee. We could use some of that $16 billion subsidy to become totally solvent and fulfill Senator Murkowski's patriotic goal.
Frank has a patriotic goal? Sure does, neighbor.
Frank goes on to say "Our goal is to reduce this nation's dependence on foreign oil to below 50%."
Well now, what a coincidence! That's also the goal of Thunderbear Shingle, Siding & Tile! (In addition to making me rich of course).
However, as much as we respect Senator Murkowski's patriotism, we must point out that he is investing your 16 billion dollar subsidy in a losing game. Fossil fuel deposits are by definition, finite. There comes a point, where, like drinking Siberian aboriginal urine, the game is not worth the candle.
Photovoltaics, if supported by rather modest research subsidy, could reduce our foreign oil dependency (Not that we consider Alaska foreign, it's just that the Alaskan Congressional Delegation sometimes acts that way.)
For example, one of our friendly competitors, Siemens Solar Industries of Camarillo, California obtained a 35% increase in power per panel while reducing the weight of the panel so that it can be carried and installed by one person rather than a crane that had formerly been necessary. The panel is able to produce power in low light situations, such as New England in January.
So far, the best photovoltaic shingle, siding & tile will supply about half to two thirds of a home's electrical requirements. Installation of the photovoltaic system would cost around 6 to 8 thousand dollars. As remarked, additional research could probably increase the efficiency of the system and bring down the unit cost.
Or (and buckaroos, this is a REALLY big "or") Senator Murkowski could get REALLY patriotic and offer a subsidy to the homeowner or building owner to install a photovoltaic system.
So, neighbors, here's what I want you to do. I want you to make a copy of this article and send it to your congressional representatives and tell them that we need more research and generous subsidies for photovoltaic power if we are ever going to be energy independent and out of this crisis!
Many thanks!
GALE AND THE SUNDANCE KID
As a young girl, Gale Norton had a bit of a crush on Robert Redford, the movie star. She admits seeing "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" at least six times.
Like most girls, she put aside such fantasies and morphed into the successful lawyer, administrator, and politician that we see before us today.
However, breathes there a bureaucrat with soul so dead, that he/she has not said "I wonder if I can meet a celebrity?
Gale's opportunity arrived when the Fish & Wildlife Service advised the Secretary of Interior's office that they were about to release a California Condor into the wild. This is a what is known as a "photo op" with agency heads or politicians on hand to bid the bird godspeed as it soars off into freedom. Generally speaking, it is a feel-good gesture designed to make everyone happy. Returning one of the largest and rarest of North American birds to Nature would provide the Bush administration with a bully pulpit to project its views on the preservation of endangered species.
In retrospect, it would seem that the logical celebrity choice to help Gale release the Condor would be Arnold Schwartzenegger, who, like the Condor was from California, and more importantly, running for governor of that state on the Republican ticket. However, Gale had not seen "The Terminator" six times. She wanted Robert Redford. A letter was sent to Redford from Interior inviting him to be at The Secretary's side at the release of the Condor.
Mr. Redford fired back:
"I thank you for your kind invitation to a condor release press event and I hope you understand that I am not inclined to join in such an event. Rather, I intend to use what time I have to focus on the devastating environmental repercussions of the agenda you and President Bush embrace and the decisions you are now making in your current capacity at the Interior Department." (Naturally a copy of the letter was leaked to the liberal media)
The Secretary was hurt. According to the WASHINGTON POST, her spokesperson, Mark Pfliefle, said "It was hardly an indecent proposal for Mr. Redford to spend time with some ordinary people..." Ah, but there's the rub, Mark. Secretary Norton is not just "ordinary people", she is, in fact, more powerful than a movie star (well, almost).
Then, right on the heels of this public relations debacle, the liberal cartoonist, Gary Trudeau, began savaging the Department of Interior in his comic strip "Doonesbury", inferring that a government employee had been summarily fired for posting a map of caribou calving grounds over a proposed oil drilling site in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.
Now buckaroos, old government hands were immediately suspicious of the "Doonesbury" strip particularly those who had ever tried to remove a permanent federal employee, and indeed, the WASHINGTON POST who investigated the issue pronounced it poppycock and an tempest in a teapot. The cartographer was not a federal employee but rather a contract employee whose contract was about to run out in three weeks time, and he decided to be a bit mischievous and post the map. According to the Fish & Wildlife Service, the posted map was based on old data that very much reinforced the Oil companies case that the Caribou calving grounds were much smaller than was actually the case. Thus the bit of bureaucratic sabotage actually would have shot the environmentalists in the foot.
THE WASHINGTON POST interviewed the cartographer and found him wanting. In addition to being a Brit and a vegetarian (Always a suspect combination, neighbors!) the POST sniffed that "Ian Thomas, age 33, lives in a group house with five other vegetarians, two dogs and had a "Vote Nader" sticker on the door. He (Thomas) showed up for the interview wearing an unraveling red sweater and faded green denim jeans. It would appear from the scruffy patches around his face that he has not yet learned how to shave" (Now neighbors, for the benefit of the non-Washingtonians, I must explain the apparent outburst on the part of the POST reporter. The WASHINGTON POST is the second most important newspaper in America and maybe the world. To be interviewed by the WASHINGTON POST is the high point in anyone's life and should be treated with the gravity and solemnity that the occasion deserves. Therefore, if any of you are ever interviewed by the WASHINGTON POST, you are to wear your best uniform or suit, be impeccably groomed, answer questions respectfully and humbly, sit up straight and don't fidget! )Anyway, according to the POST, "Everyone involved agreed that the issue (Mr Thomas and his map) never went any higher the Dennis Fenn, the top biologist at USGS". That is, Secretary Norton probably didn't know about the map or the firing until the environmental groups, "Doonesbury" and sundry reporters started bombarding the public affairs office at Interior with questions.
So even though she may be entirely innocent, what can Secretary Norton do to recover, publicity-wise? Release an alligator into the Everglades with the actress Cameron Diaz at her side? (Ms Diaz is a devout Republican of anti-Castro Cuban ancestry and, unlike Robert Redford, is not likely to snap back.) Sorry, no mileage there, alligators are not particularly endangered any more; one of our success stories at Interior.
Then what to do?
I suggest that Gale come out against slavery.
Slavery? Well yes, you will remember that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People believed Gale to be a bit soft on slavery and demanded her resignation as Secretary of the Interior. (She had given a States Rights type speech lamenting that the South had lost the Civil War (though admitting that "Slavery was a bad fact". Bad move, Gale.)
But isn't it a bit late in the game to be coming out against slavery? you ask. After all, didn't Grant and Lincoln solve that problem some time ago?
Not quite! Some countries still carry on the tradition of slavery (sort of a compulsory Living History Program as it were) One of these countries is Sudan, the largest country in Africa, a hardscrabble stretch of semi-desert and swamp in northeastern Africa. The northern half of the country is Moslem and Arab and controls the southern half which is largely Christian and Animist (Animists are nature worshippers, though they are unable to afford Sierra Club memberships) The North tends to look down on the South because the North has the most guns (the political arbiter in most third world countries) The North also tends to oppress the South.
But is slavery really legal in the Sudan?
Oh, my no! If there is anything folks have learned from the collapse of the Confederacy in 1865, it is "don't put anything in writing!" The Confederates made the mistake of making slavery part of their constitution. Slavery is not permitted in the Sudan, it just somehow, happens. Every so often, some of the guys up in Northern Sudan notice that the sorghum crops needs harvesting and have heard that the Nubians down South aren't doing much of anything, so why not go down and get them and pick up some girls too since we're down there. The government in Khartoum officially deplores this sort of thing, but, guys will be guys, and hey, we've been doing this thing for the past 500 years, so what's the beef? Besides we're a poor country and there's a war on. All the usual excuses.
The war in question is a long protracted civil war in which the southern part of the Sudan seeks some sort of autonomy or independence to prevent the North from doing to them what they have been doing for 500 years.
This is where Gale Norton comes in. You see, a number of the agencies of the Department of the Interior participate in International Affairs (this was literally true in the case of one hapless BLM director) These are do-gooder foreign aid projects in which the various DOI agencies provide assistance to developing nations in the fields of national parks, water resource management, Wildlife management, Range management, and so on.
Gale can proudly and unequivocally say that she is against slavery, that it is indeed "a bad fact" and that the Department of Interior agencies will not participate in any country where slavery is a de facto part of the culture. (Admittedly, she should probably run this one past Colin Powell or even "Dubya" before calling a press conference, but I doubt if either Colin or George want to make a tacit endorsement of slavery by refusing to honor such a move on the part of Interior.
Now it is indeed possible that Secretary Norton could doubt the veracity of Thunderbear in this matter. (We are hurt, but we understand) For a relatively unbiased and up to date discussion of the Sudan slavery issue, Gale might choose to contact the office of Congressman Frank Wolf (R.Va) who has visited the Sudan and is maintaining an ongoing investigation of the issue.
Congressman Wolf who heads the House Caucus on Human Rights, can be reached at his web site www.house.gov/wolf
THE SAFETY MESSAGE
Now neighbors, subscribers have not been shy about writing in to tell me about the new electronic format. Generally speaking, they are accepting of the new technology, realizing that Ben Franklin and his press and post office have had their day. However, most have a nostalgic hankering for the old hard copy. One California State Park Lassie said she fools around with this cyberspace stuff all day as a division head and did not want to see it in her own home, after work, on her own time (A closet Luddite?).
Most people objected to three things A. They didn't like the two column format as it didn't scroll well, and more importantly didn't print out well, and B. T Bear didn't pop up in their electronic mail box, forcing them to go hunting around the beginning of the new month in the hopes that the latest issue had been posted, and C. Some folks don't have access to a private computer or in some cases, ANY computer at all.
These are legitimate complaints and our webmaster readily accedes to your wishes and is now producing T Bear in the familiar book page format that you prefer. The second request is also quite doable, but is fraught with privacy and ethics issues that we must discuss.
According to our webmaster, it would be quite easy, IF WE HAD EVERYONE'S E MAIL ADDRESS to send everyone an e mail message that said "The latest issue of Thunderbear is up and running; to read, click on the bear paw icon". You would do this and the latest issue would indeed pop up on your screen.
The privacy and ethics problem comes with the solution. You remember when a friend sends you a group message that the message is often preceded by the entire e-mail list of the other recipients. It would, in effect, mean publishing the address list of all Thunderbear subscribers, a list I have guarded assiduously over the years against prying bureaucratic eyes.
I do not mean to imply that Dick & Gale are going to come after you for reading Thunderbear (They have bigger fish to fry; notably the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve) , but then again, if you don't get that promotion or assignment, you will forever blame your poor old editor for posting your e-mail address on the Thunderbear website.
Now I realize that it is possible to send out a message to a batch of e-mail addresses without the batch of addresses showing up on the screen (advertisers do it all the time) However, I believe that even though the FBI was unable to catch that nice Special Agent Hannsen until he had spied for 15 years for the Russians, that the same FBI and its technicians could winkle out the Thunderbear mailing list from cyberspace in jig time!
So, I am going to leave the decision of whether you want to be electronically notified up to you. Some of you may be retired and/or simply not give a rat's rectum on what Dick & Gale think and prefer the convenience of being notified that the latest issue of the Bear is up and running. If these people will send me a post card with their e mail address and a short sentence saying its O.K. to notify them when the Bear is up, then I will do so. Everyone else can check www.workingnet.com/thunderbear periodically on or shortly after the first of each month.
Now we get to "C", people who have only a government computer or none at all. The former case raises neat ethical issues that will probably attract the attention of the Inspector General's Office and the American Civil Liberties Union.
The government's case is that a government computer can only be used for government business. That is, you can't call up "Hot & Nasty NFL Cheerleaders" on your friendly porn website and expect to be commended for broadening your bureaucratic horizons. You may not use your government computer to do automobile comparison shopping even though you are going to finance the car with your federal credit union. The government is not entirely a party poop. You can inquire after a friend's health and plans as long as the inquiry is not obscene and the bulk of the e-mail letter refers to the content of some government report you are trying to locate.
In the case of Thunderbear, I believe the case can be made that accessing Thunderbear is a necessary part of your monthly bureaucratic education. Thunderbear is the oldest alternative newsletter in the federal government" and indeed has lasted longer than some "legitimate" government publications started in the same time period. Critics, noting that we refer to the Vice President and the Secretary of Interior as "Greedhead Republicans", might infer that we are partisan or even pejorative.
Nothing could be farther from the truth! We are unbiased. (Your editor is after all, from South Dakota and is a registered Republican, what could be more conservative?) The term "Greedhead" refers to one of the two main species of Republican, (the other being the more environmentally concerned "Bullmoose" Republican) and is no more pejorative than "Bafflehead" or" Mallard" in describing waterfowl species. You will learn things about American history and resource management in Thunderbear that you will never learn in an authorized government publication, electronic or hard copy.
In addition, starting with this issue (#237) there will be the all important Safety Message. You will remember that Safety is the Holy Grail of the Park Service. Something that your superintendent is required every year to tell you is that "Safety is the Number One Priority" of the park. Every park brochure is required to provide a safety message for the public (even if it's just a statement that the Law of Gravity is strictly enforced at X national historic site.)
Therefore, it is clear that any government official, whether superintendent, Director, or Secretary that stands in the way of an employee obtaining health & safety information is derelict in his or her duty.
Now the problem is that being of a rather haphazard and sloppy turn of mind, I will never be quite sure exactly WHERE in each issue that I will include the safety message, it will just pop up like toast, so you will have to wade through the whole issue to locate the safety message. (This of course is going to be your line of argument if the electronic snoops in the Department of Interior tell your supervisor that you have been hitting on the dread Thunderbear web site ("Sir, do you mean to tell me you are AGAINST safety!).
This month's safety message is brought to you courtesy of Boyd Evison, former Alaska Regional Director and still a concerned parkie. It seems that Boyd noticed an article on Hanta virus and passed it on to your editor and others. It seems that wholesale food warehouses are notoriously overrun by rodents, the main vector for Hanta fever, a disease with a double digit mortality rate. One would think that food in cans would be safe, and so it is, except for one thing; rodents are not toilet trained, they will pee or defecate on can tops in the wee hours of the night when they are most active. You can contaminate the contents of the can by opening it, unless you take the precaution of washing the can top before opening. (This is particularly true if you like to drain a can of tuna before making sandwiches by cutting the can lid loose and then pressing down to squeeze out the excess oil or water) According to Boyd, there has been one confirmed death in Hawaii due to externally contaminated cans.
As field mice, ground squirrels, and chipmunks are not uncommon visitors in NPS housing, particularly in the West. Seasonal employees who often stock up on canned goods should be warned about this health hazard.
Speaking of washing. We have all been told to wash our hands. However, no one ever told you exactly how long you should do so (See, that's why we need government!) Anyway, the Institute of Public Health decided to find out and ran a series of tests. They found that 20 seconds of vigorous scrubbing with soap and water would remove most of the e coli and other nasties. How do you tell when the time is up as it is difficult to watch your watch while washing? Simple. Just chant (silently) the "Alphabet Song" you learned in first grade. When you finally get to "Z" 20 seconds will have elapsed and you can put the soap away.
THE LIBRARY OF THE ARCTIC
The library of Alexandria was regarded as the foremost intellectual wonder of the ancient world. It existed from around 300 BC to 391 AD, more than half a millennium. During its time it sought to preserve all the written knowledge that was available. It was the classical equivalent of the Library of Congress and the British Museum combined.
Alexandria was a perfect site for a world class library. It was Egypt's seaport, located at the mouth of the Nile. It was a port of destination for much of the Mediterranean world. Along with commerce, came ideas and new ways of looking at things. The thoughts and ideas of Rome flowed together with those of Greece and Persia and farther East, even to China. It was a rich area for intellectual synthesis.
Physically, Alexandria was a good place to store stuff as fragile as papyrus and parchment scrolls. Alexandria had natural climate control that would be the envy of a modern library. The climate was mild with no great difference in temperature throughout the year and best of all, it was dry , with exceedingly low humidity. Things like mummies and scrolls tended to be preserved.
Egypt had a stable government under the Ptolemy dynasty, vassal of the mighty Roman empire, so war, that other great enemy of libraries didn't happen too often. The Ptolemy family were great patrons of the Library and saw to it that it was generously funded with scholars and librarians copying down all the literature, science, philosophy, poetry, drama, history, biography, travel writing, medical lore, diaries of daily life and so on. Whatever had happened or was happening was duly recorded and sent to the Library of Alexandria.
All went well until AD 391 when Emperor Theodosius came along. He decided that the Library of Alexandria was sort of extraneous to the needs of the Roman Empire (which was beginning to have fatal problems) Get rid of the Library. But how?
Lucky us, there was a solution.
Whereever the Romans went, they built elaborate hot baths. If they were lucky, there was a hot spring that could be developed. If not, the Romans built underground furnaces and heated the baths with fire wood. As there were no forests in Egypt, it was necessary to import wood from what is now Turkey. This was expensive.
The Library of Alexandria could provide a quick fix for the energy crisis. So, the gang of slaves that normally heaved wood into the furnaces started tossing the accumulated wisdom of the previous 500 years into the roaring fires.
It is not known exactly how many volumes were in the Library of Alexandria but we do know that the Library's contents heated the baths for six weeks.
Not bad! A combination of book burning and recycling!
The oil deposits of the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve will provide much more energy than the Library of Alexandria; six months at maximum output as against six weeks for the Library of Alexandria.
Still, there are those who complain! Possible ecological damage, possible disruption of the caribou herds and consequent disruption of the native Inuit culture, Arctic oil spills, and so on.
Vice President Cheney and Senator Frank Murkowsky say that won't happen; that the oil can be extracted safely and with no ecological or cultural damage. I believe Dick and Frank.
But I also believe the part about getting out all the oil and burning it up in internal combustion engines. I believe that Dick and Frank will extract every last drop of oil from the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Now neighbors, that just might not be the highest, best use for a non-renewable fossil resource.
It may be there might be other uses for oil and gas than fuel use. It is possible that we might be able to use the constituents of oil and gas to manufacture our favorite proteins, beef, pork, chicken, shrimp, salmon, and lobster (caviar if you want it) without passing our fellow critters through a nightmare of feedlots, chicken batteries, slaughterhouses, fish farms and so on. In addition, we would be "growing" this protein without antibiotics and would have designed out the chloresterol, making for a healthier product.
The benefits would be enormous: There would be far less waste; no guilt-inducing piles of brains, innards, eye balls, and other stuff that we'd rather not think about while barbecuing that steak. There would be no green house gas in the form of methane from flatulent cows. No weird diseases like "Mad cow", anthrax or hoof & mouth or the truly scary river killing (and people killing) protozoans that feed on waste from hog factory farms. Far less cropland would be devoted to animal feed and could revert to a natural environment.
Best of all, annoying, self-righteous vegetarians would be eliminated as we would be mostly de facto vegetarians. We say "mostly" because farm animals would still be raised for people who preferred "traditional" meats or for religious reasons (Admittedly it will require a Talmudic conference to come up with the Kosher requirements for petroleum based chicken and beef!)
Aside from farm use, historic breeds of domestic animals would be maintained as part of the human cultural record and as a genetic base. The individual animals will live a far more pleasant and normal existence.
And what of the oil companies? Bless their hearts, they will live long and prosper, growing even more wealthy (some things never change!) Their petroleum resource will be more valuable as food than as fuel and will be extended and conserved so that they will be able to remain in business longer ("Chevron Caviar! Fit for a Czar!" "Texaco Turkey Breast! Fresh from the wellhead and mouth waterin' good!" "Try British Petroleum Salmon! Straight from the North Sea Drilling platform to you!" and so on.
So neighbors! Many environmental groups have spoken out in favor of the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve and the caribou and Native Americans and so on. We at Thunderbear believe it is time someone spoke out in favor of a higher use for the petroleum itself.
Possibly, like the library of Alexandria, it should be preserved until we have a more rational use for it than fuel.